Messy Guru

To Thine Own Self Be True

It would seem after all these years of intense introspection and digging I would have found the ultimate Truth of my way of Being somewhere along the way.  Not just any Truth.  

My Truth.  The long journey home from the head to the heart.

These words from Shakespeare come to mind:

Polonius:

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!

Laertes:

Most humbly do I take my leave, my lord. 

Somewhere in my journey "here" I had learned to not bring my Truth along with me.  I brought along a facade of sorts to be welcomed with family and friends.  The "truth" as it was taught to me was not "welcomed" nor respected.

 

My "survival self" had to take over for survival.  Its job was to protect me until I had enough space to finally accept the Truth of my existence.   It worked really well for everybody except for me.  They kept their "story" and I went along to get along.  Especially in my mind.  The truth it would seem got left behind.  

 

None of this was intentional or a conscious action on my part.  It was hidden in plain sight.  Hiding in Reality.  Like the sun behind the clouds.  Or a fruit hidden beneath a tough and coarse rind.

The break in the psyche continued to widen as the Truth remained buried beneath the rubble of my life.  Mark Nepo writes of this dilemma:

"I have a friend in recovery, and when asked what made him stop drinking, he says, "The pain of drinking became greater than the pain of not drinking." The same can be said for us all.  We can flower in an instant, as soon as the pain of not flowering and not loving become greater than our fear."

This "flowering" of sorts came forth for me yesterday as I realized that my "Truth" was never honored and respected as a integral part of me.

Especially by Me.

My authentic Self seemed to have a lot of caveats.  My body responded in kind with pain and anxiety.  It manifested as addictions, dissociation's, denial, anger and rage.

It's odd that my own Truth could be so well hidden from me. I could talk about it quite comfortably and did.  The part that is perplexing is that left brain could not "hear" what the right brain was experiencing.

 

I also realized that I could not have withstood the immense totality of it all.  The bone crushing, emotional devastation of being left alone in the world with no support.

 

"Nobody" was truly coming to help me.

This was at the age of 4.  A time when "adults" could not see me.  All I could see and feel for miles was chaos and confusion.  A world swept away in sexual abuse, religion and dysfunction.

I created a world in my head that made me wrong and all the others "right".  I had to be the problem.  It was the only thing that made sense.   And my truth got swept away with their story of us.

Today I stand together with my Truth.  All of it.  It is the only thing that keeps me tethered to Reality.  Moving away from it causes great alarm within my body and soul.

And the Universe accepts this wholeheartedly.

 

 

Be Myself and I

In September of 2003 I set out to become a certified Bikram Yoga Teacher.  I had trained hard and believed I could handle the 9 week and 2 (one and half hour) heated yoga classes a day training schedule in LA at Bikram's Yoga College of India. During the first few classes I started blacking out and feeling intense nausea.

At night I had my first experience of what I've come to describe as "night terrors".   Intense shaking of my body and unbelievable terror coming from inside of me.  Instead of resting, I was in high alert and lay in waiting for all of it to stop.  

I would wake up exhausted and begin another day of 2 yoga classes and lasted exactly 2 weeks.  I had to quit.  I knew I had within me an unhealed past and went home to Houston in absolute shame and defeat.  

My entire life had crumbled on the edge of a yoga mat and I had no "coping" skills to match this new identity.  One day I was a successful business executive and the next a "failed" yoga instructor.  

Nothing in my old world made sense and everything in the new one was filled with anxiety and depression.  My old company filled my position and the relationship I was in was over and done with.    

I spent the next 9 years going deep within to find the source of my darkness.  It was a one step forward and three steps back process.  Addictions kept rising to the surface to be addressed.  Mental instability and the night terrors would come in like the tide.  

I just felt completely worthless.

I stopped doing this type of yoga regularly and filled my nights with martinis and wine.   I had surgery on two blown disks in my lower back in 2007.  The pain in my lower back stopped and reappeared in my sciatic nerve in my left leg.  This pain left me bitter and angry.  Everything I tried to do to alleviate this pain did not work.   Cortisone shots, other types of yoga, and still the pain persisted.

I remember driving out to White Rock Lake in Dallas and looked up from a stop light and saw the sign for Bikram Yoga Dallas.

Screw that I thought.  

Going back meant facing the pain in my leg, addictions, mental illness, a broken body, and all the shame of failing. Each new Bikram studio I joined I kept most of my exhausting "story" from the teachers.  Trying to explain my past and way of Being in the world left me with little words and awkward glances.  

Finally I went back to Bikram Yoga Dallas in late 2007 (I checked yesterday and I have completed over 450 classes at this studio) and started to face my life.  I was an "angry" student.   Rage and anxiety covered me and the yoga mat.  I hated everything.  

At some point the physical pain stopped completely.

I started up a "regular" practice this January.  The anxiety and emotional issues still bubble up from time to time and I now have a lot of new coping skills.  

And Bikram yoga.

What I failed to appreciate is that the yoga has been doing its "job" all along.  It is meant to bring up all of our "issues".  I was actually a "success" and my "mind/ego" was being slowly replaced with the Light.  I just had no "other" inside of me.   

I am seriously considering going back to LA this coming September if the opportunity presents itself.  The anxiety and issues come up if I try to be anything other than myself. 

Complete with all of my imperfections as a Human Being.

I realized tonight in yoga that I can be no other way.

Be Myself and I.

  

Silence Breaking

I realized in yoga this evening that the room was completely quiet including my mind.  A strange and familiar sound.  It echoed peacefully off of my Being and into my Heart.  I kept looking around for what was making this so, and realized it was inside of me.  The steady noise of buzzing bees and the drone of white noises lifted itself off of me and migrated elsewhere.

I could feel what Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor calls the "peanut gallery" or the left side of the brain wanting to get in on the action.  This Silence kept it a bay.  Expanding like the feathers on a peacock.  Its brilliant colors dazzling and spectacular.  Providing a protective shield of sorts.

David Hawkins describes the process of thinking as:

"Thinking proceeds from lack; its purpose is gain. In wholeness, nothing is lacking. All is complete, total, and whole. There is nothing to think about, nor any motive to think. No questions arise, and no answers are sought or needed. Totality is complete, totally fulfilling, with no incompleteness to process." 

It seemed so simple and obvious.  

Yet.

Elusive.

I can see why the mystics are quiet about this.  Words fall short and fill up this beautified space.  It begs your forgiveness and pleads for your innocence.

Lost and found.

 

Let It Be

While doing Bikram yoga yesterday I heard a clear and distinct voice (with whom I call the Holy Spirit) whisper into my Soul:  "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."  I looked into this quote and found it from the Bible in Matthew 3:17.

I immediately felt this intense feeling of Love envelope my body and Being.  A direct hit, if you will.  A message of the highest order.  I could feel my heart open as this message was being processed and assimilated into my Being. 

The "ego" it would seem does not have the last word to define my Self.

God does.

It's odd that I hear such "whispers" of such profundity and especially given my proclivity to the Eastern traditions of yoga, meditation, chanting and pretty much anything out of India.

His words sat with me for the night and into today.  I also pondered how I could write about something so subjectively experiential and profound.  And perhaps this is where words fall short as David Hawkins describes the difference between a Transcendent God vs Immanent God:

"God is knowable and known as immanent (in here); whereas to the ego, God is seen as transcendent only (out there)."

Either way, I don't want you to believe me.

I also happened to glance up from the screen while reading the quote to my sister Beth and looked directly at the framed picture above my computer on the wall:

  and the words again came to me:

"This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased."

This prophetic drawing was also illustrating perfectly my journey of a thousand miles inward to rescue a long forgotten child.

My inner child. 

My son.

Myself.

Let it Be.

 

Just Live Man

An older brother contacted me today via Facebook.  I am often shocked and surprised when it happens.  It often leaves me feeling defensive and vulnerable.  I am left scrambling trying to piece together the long, awkward spaces of time that have evaporated between us.

Years seem to slip by and suddenly a message appears.   Out of the blue.  An odd "note" that somehow landed on their feet one day.  A familiar yet nagging wonder of sorts.

"Just Live Man" was one of his comments to me.

It seemed well intentioned and a nice line to offer up a stranger.  I wonder if I toss words around so easily.  Like "Just do it" or "Easy does it".

I remember him as a mysterious, older brother often lost in translation.  I often remember sleeping in his bed and feeling oddly protected from a family seeping with dysfunction and lacking of emotional integrity.  

His presence was enough when I could see "dark things" moving about in my mind.  A safe place to hide when nothing else was. 

Somehow this line to the past became weaker and finally it broke free of its memories and history.  I no longer looked to him or them for a safe place to fall.  Their empty voices and non-actions left me to figure out my way in the world.

The "blame" seems to fall at my feet.   I am to carry the responsibility for our relationship.  They simply stayed away. Their silence has spoken for years.  

I also do not think they have anything in them to give.  Life seems to have taken from them as well.  An empty pot full of good intentions.  

A cheerful "Hi" or "Happy Birthday" is all that is left.  My story of them is hard to match up to in Reality.  Perhaps in their defense I am not making it easy as well.   I have given up the hope that the past can be any different.  I no longer "pretend" that a large, happy family surrounds me.

 It has been replaced with a stillness of Divine Grace.

And I am way ok with that.

  

Moving My Wings

I read this quote today by Mark Nepo:

"Feeling our tenderness, we can learn from the caterpillar how to endure the tremble that precedes the appearance of wings."

I am practicing Bikram yoga more consistently during this time away from a full time job.  I can feel the "tremble" of my body as I work deeper into my muscles and bones.  Each day a new "space" opens up and I can feel the doubt slipping away.

I am amazed at the "limits" my mind has on my own capabilities.  A preset limit to what my body can do before the posture is attempted.  

Yesterday I could get my knees to the floor and heels up in a position I "believed" was impossible because of back surgery done four years ago.  

This "belief" just fell away as my knees hit the floor.

Allowing the body to heal without preconditions set forth by my mind.  Letting go of patterns of dysfunction and challenging the mind and ego and its vice like grip it has had on my body.

This "tremble" that I had once thought to be a sign of weakness is now my strength.  By going into places held "sacred" by my mind I can allow my wings more movement.  

And soon I will fly away.

 

Working It Out

Today I was laid off from my job of 8 years.  The company lost a large contract and had to close many of its offices.  I am for the most part relieved.  Relieved of the "uncertainty" of uncertainty.  

This has an intrinsic feeling of space and wide openness. Like the wind.  A great opportunity of sorts.  I only have a vague notion of what is going to happen next.  I am open to it.  Like an empty canvas waiting for the next motion or inspiration to hit it.

Free.

I feel immense gratitude for all the lessons and gifts I learned along the way.  All appropriate for my journey and lessons.  Karmic even.  

I am surprised by the reactions of some of the people I have told.  Nervous and apprehensive.  I believe they would have reacted the same if I told them I had cancer.  It seems like an odd response to something as simple as a direction change.  

I believe intuitively that I will be provided for by the same Divine Grace that has carried me thus far in my journey.  I feel immensely connected to a higher power.  

I also know it is for my highest good.

I keep waiting for fear and dread to appear inside of me.  I feel nothing but a sense of opportunity and peace.  The panic I once imagined has never manifested.  The endless scenarios I used to play out in my mind during my "night terrors" had me homeless years ago.  In "reality" I have been provided for.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn't need to happen.” 
― Byron Katie

Amazing.

 

 

Enlightenment of Age

In the May issue of the O Magazine, Oprah writes a letter to her 21 year old self.  I also wanted to write a letter to my inner, little boy:

Dear Beautiful Blue Eyed Boy:

I look into your eyes and see you are well equipped to handle this life.  Everything that life is going to throw at you will be the "ingredients" for your next level of consciousness.  Each "setback" is actually the Universe redirecting your energy back to yourself.

Some gentle reminders:

1.  Your being Gay is actually a gift from God.  

2.  You are not responsible for what was done to you as a child.

3.  Your first two relationships are showing you how you think of yourself and a projection of your self esteem.

4.  Your "job" is not who you are.

5.  Drugs and alcohol can never make you feel "good enough".

6.  Believe people when they show you who they are the first time.

7.  Mental illness is also gift.  It will develop into the seeds of compassion for all others.

8.  Keep getting up and never, ever give-up.

9.  Your experience of God will change with your awareness.

10.  You are innocent and gifted in so many ways.

11.   The "mind" is your ego and not who you really are.

12.   Your purpose of being here is ordained by God itself.

13.   Religion is not your way to God.

14.  Say what you need to say.  Especially to "loved" ones.

15.  All doubt is of the ego.

16.  With God all things are possible.

Drawing on My Past

I received this priceless gift (they sent pics ahead of the drawing) from a friend and her son. They had combined two pictures of me and Aullen Anderson was able to capture them together in this emotionally uplifting piece of art.

He had captured the essence of my feelings (then and now) so succinctly, I immediately burst into tears.  The symbolic depiction of a healing, nurturing, care-taking, adult united with my "inner child".

The "little boy in the red sweater" has always represented to me the "inner child" and into the adult male that is capable and willing to love this boy unconditionally.

It represents my journey and purpose:

To heal the "inner child".

 

 

"Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. 
Dance in the middle of the fighting. 
Dance in your blood. 
Dance when you're perfectly free.” 
― Rumi

We are dancing. 

Hide and Seek

Today I discovered I had a "spiritual seeker" hidden in plain sight within me.  It would seem quite obvious to me and others that I was desperately seeking for a God outside of myself.  

Except.

I could not see it.  Its intent and purpose seemed quite logical and "spiritual".  Serious and dedicated.  A spiritual bully of sorts.  Demanding and pushing itself for the "Truth". 

I had a parade of endless books, teachers, religions, and techniques that "pointed" the "way" forward.  They all had some sort of deity or Lord that was the chosen path for them and for my seeker.

Except.

It had nothing to do with me.  Or my Soul.  Or my path.

My seeker loved it.  It exhausted me.  It kept me forever trying to get to this unknown place in their "minds" and belief systems.  Religion after religion. Teacher after teacher.   Book after book. All spouting off their insights and ah-a's.  

Amazingly, I stumbled upon some that were of great benefit and helped immensely.  They also helped to "undo" the "seeker" and its incessant searching.  In sheepish hindsight, I found that the ones that had "me" on a yoga or meditation mat with the highest degree of integrity and Truth.

The "seeker" was the most anxious and fear filled during these classes and courses.  Its clever ego constantly evading detection while blaming the "negative" effects of these powerful techniques on me. 

I had to do the intense inner work to clear the immense obstacles that were placed there.  Each posture and breath took apart the inner workings of this "seeker".  This know-it-all kept me in a powerless position of unworthiness and circuitous circle of a ever tightening noose.

Perhaps I am undoing years of "programing" by my childhood faith.  The faith of worthlessness and sin.  It has been deeply embedded into my DNA.  Leaving me in a hopeless and neglected state except for a "blessing" from a spurious minister with a wafer in hand that could "save" me.

Again, the remedy for "everything" is outside of me.

The words from Wayne Dyer's book, "Wishes Fulfilled" quotes Omraam Mikhael Aivanhov help to realign my powerless seeker:

"The Creator has planted within every creature a fragment of himself, a spark, a spirit of the same nature as himself and, thanks to this spirit, every creature can become a creator.  And this means that, instead of always waiting for their needs to be satisfied by some external source, human beings can work inwardly by means of their thought, their will, and their spirit to obtain the nourishing healing elements they need.  This is why the teaching I bring you is of the spirit, of the creator and not of matter...."

At first glance this appears to be blasphemous.

Yet.

Wayne elaborates on his quote:

"I love this quote because it speaks to a part of you that has been largely ignored throughout all of your educational pursuits and accomplishments.  The key words here are "a fragment of himself, a spark" that lies within you, but has largely been left unexamined.  This is a great image for you to begin to understand the greatness of your higher self. There is a spark of God within you that is the invisibleness I've been alluding to.  It is that which you cannot grasp with the senses--it beats your heart, grows your hair, and keeps your lungs breathing in and breathing out.  You've become accustomed to taking it for granted while putting the major focus of your life on the physical (unreal) you."

"......As Jesus reminds you, "Is it not written in your law, 'I said, "You are gods"?" (John 10:34).

and

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God."  Philippians 2:5-6

Sweet Jesus!  

and some more..........

"Be still, and know that I am God."  Psalms 46:10

This active and resilient "seeker" is coming undone.  I can finally "be still" and let God reveal itself in its own synchronized ways.  

 

"When in the springtime of the year
When the trees are crowned with leaves
When the ash and oak, and the birch and yew
Are dressed in ribbons fair."

"When owls call the breathless moon
In the blue veil of the night
The shadows of the trees appear
Amidst the lantern light."

"We've been rambling all the night
And some time of this day
Now returning back again
We bring a garland gay."

"Who will go down to those shady groves
And summon the shadows there
And tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms
In the springtime of the year."

"The songs of birds seem to fill the wood
That when the fiddler plays
All their voices can be heard
Long past their woodland days."

"And so they linked their hands and danced
Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone."

"A garland gay we bring you here
And at your door we stand
It is a sprout well budded out
The work of Our Lord's hand"