Messy Guru

Neglecting My Innocence

I came to the stunning (and quite obvious) realization that I was neglected as a child.  This neglected state and environment left me in a constant state of craving, wanting and desiring.  I wanted what any other child growing up needs and wants.  Unconditional Love.  From a parent that is willing and able to provide it.  Without conditions.

Yesterday the effects of this caused a delayed reaction of sorts and had me in the throws of all three.  It was bewildering, perplexing and puzzling.  The ghosts of my past came rushing in to be filled.  Instantly and immediately.  

Like right now.  Without further delay.  Now.  

Part of the definition of neglect is "habitual lack of care".  I am stunned I could not see this.  Even now.  To acknowledge meant I would then have to FEEL what that was like as a child.  Nobody is there.  They were lost and absorbed in the constant activity of "busyness" and mental and emotional despondency.

This setup my psychological makeup of craving, wanting and desiring.  I needed to be seen and heard.   And mostly loved as an innocent boy.  Unconditionally.  It is natural part of growing up.  Without it I grew the deep roots of this unnatural "neediness" and "begging" for attention.  

Attention did come to me.  It was from sexual predators. This became my "way" to receive "love" and "attention". How revolting and unsettling.  And this pattern has played itself out like a song from the deepest part of the darkest world.  In me.  Left unattended and watered by the sands of time.

The intriguing part of this discovery is that it has lead me back to my innocence.  The little boy in the red sweater. Programmed to fail.  To crave, want and desire.  All the elements of an addicted soul.  Left alone to figure out the way forward.  

I can see clearly now the reason I grew up to be such a dysfunctional adult.  It was programmed into me by my parents, religion, environment and the "mind" ran away with it.  Hoping I could never clearly see the roots of a system designed to keep one in paralysis and fear.

This craving, wanting and needing also brought up guilt and shame.  It was now tied to abuse and responsibility for it all. My needs were put aside for the needs of others.  I also kept my "needs" aside to keep the shame and guilt from resurfacing.  A mad dance from the mind and body.  The innocent boy was left in the middle of an impossible world.

Holy Cow.

David Hawkins writes about this conundrum as such:

Desire is an energy level, 125.

"Frustration is associated with desiringness, wantingness, and then anger and pridefulness about sexuality.  This is demonstrated by strutting ones macho 

image or sticking out ones feminine attributes in a prideful, tantalizing, seductive, kind of controlling, manipulating, and exploiting way, aka Hollywood.

"The marketing industry utilizes this - the desiringness, frustration, lack, and feeling of separation and attempts to control and manipulate people.  There is a pretty

girl on the hood of a car, but what does a car have to do with a pretty girl?  The advertisement is trying to connect the two.  If I get this car or shampoo, or hair-do, or

if I wear this perfume, then I will overcome this separation between me and what I desire."

"That point of view then creates an endless painfulness and source of suffering. The suffering takes various forms, such as impotence, frigidity, sadism, or even violence.

They arise from holding sexuality from the view of its physicalness, desiringness, and lustful wantingness.  One can see why so many people are run by that."

"Because the nature of this energy field of Desire, the accompanying emotions are this of wantingness, greed and cravings, leading to an addiction of sex.  Sexuality runs the sexually obsessed.

 

Sexual obsession/compulsion results in the endless promiscuity of going to bed with anyone available and arises from the need to prove ones desirability."

"On the right side of the Map of Consciousness, one can see that the process going on in consciousness at this energy level is that of entrapment.  Within consciousness at this level, 

once a person wants something, that wanting begins to dominate. The desiringness and wantingness runs the person.  Temporary gratification fails to suffice because

of the negativity of the field, and leads to endless frustration, wanting, and craving.  There is no completion, no feeling of finality, and no feeling of happiness; there are only enslavement and sexual addiction."

I understand now how I could have been nothing other than this "heat seeking missle".  The logical conclusion of neglect.

And by knowing, understanding and feeling this sets me free.

Healing and Recovery

I am reading David Hawkins book, "Healing and Recovery" and in it he describes the way forward from illness to healing:  

"The actual healing of the physicality of the illness is letting go of resisting the inner physical experience of it without any  mental label.  At the same time, in fact, we begin to cancel the mental label and replace it with the truth.  We cancel by affirming, "I no longer believe in that.  I am an infinite being, and I am not subject to that.  I am only subject to what I hold in mind."

"What does it mean to be "an infinite being and not subject to that"?  It means we are only limited by our belief systems, and if we let them go, what takes their place?  If form is removed from consciousness, what is left?  The formless is left, and the inner experience of it is infinite, without boundaries, without beginning or end.  The formless is the essential nature of consciousness itself and is unlimited.  If we place a limitation or interject form, then we subject our self to what we are holding in mind.  To replace it, we consciously cancel it by saying, "I cancel any belief in duodenal ulcers," or asthma, or whatever the illness might be.  We then say, "I'm subject only to that which I hold in mind.  I am an infinite being, and in truth, I am not subject to that.  And that is a fact."

"When we muscle test that statement, we find it to be true.  If we test a person and they say, "Cancel.  I am not subject to that.  I am an infinite being and subject only to what I hold in mind," we will see that they instantly go strong, indicating that this is a statement of the truth.  Consequently, when we replace that which is false with that which is true, healing occurs."

..."The minute we tell the truth, the energy field at the level of Courage (meaning to tell the truth that we are an infinite being and subject only to what is held in mind) instantly puts us above the line at level 200."

"The willingness to accept this truth lifts us up to a position to choose appreciation of the body instead of the 'make wrong' of the body; the loveliness of our life instead of the 'make wrong' of our life; the loveliness of the being that we are instead of the criticism of it."

..."If we are willing to let go of our illness, then we have to be willing to let go of the attitude that brought about the illness because disease is an expression of ones attitude and habitual way of looking at things."

"The specifics of healing a particular illness consist of (1) letting go of resisting of the sensory experience of it, (2) no longer putting names or labels on it, and (3) using no words at all.  Welcome experiencing what you are experiencing in a very radical way and at the same time (4) cancel the thought form and belief system, and (5) choose the energy field of Love, which heals."

"If we look at the basic physics of the energies involved, we can see why fear at calibration level 100 is overpowered by Love at 500 because these are exponential powers. Therefore, the power of Love is represented by 10 squared 500, whereas Fear is only 10 squared 100, a very big difference."

"To put oneself  in an energy field of 540 is to automatically heal oneself.  A loving thought then heals, and a negative thought creates illness.  Choosing to become a loving person results in the release of endorphins by the brain, which has profound effect on the body's health and happiness.  Happiness arises from the willingness to let go of that which is negative and to allow love to replace it in consciousness because essential nature of consciousness, unless it has been impaired, is lovingness.  We see this in the young child who is only innocence, and lovingness is the expression of the essence of human nature.  It is as if the child has not yet been programed to go into fear, doubt, or limitation."

Wow.

I intentionally did this while practicing Bikram yoga last night in class.  My whole body responded immediately to the effects of any limitation or belief I found in "mind".  My body was more than eager to rid itself of these "programs" and limitations of beliefs.  

At one point during the class my heart was pounding so hard I could feel the "terror" releasing itself.   I now find any discomfort or limitation to be a "good thing" during yoga.  In the past I would consider it a "weakness" needed to be overcome.

How exciting and liberating.

 

Intimacy (Into Me See)

In Michael Brown's book, "The Presence Process" he breaks down the word "intimacy" to mean "into me see". Profound and insightful.  And even harder to allow and to express.  

I found that my inner confusion and experience with sexual abuse and adult relationships to be interrelated and it has brought up fear, anxiety and feelings of extreme vulnerabilities.  And appropriately so.  

I found myself attempting to hide my past and all of its profound dysfunctions from myself and partners thinking I could fool the body into a state of intimacy.  Only to fail miserably.  Intimacy requires Truth.  The first line of "truth" is at the calibration level of energy of 200. 

David Hawkins describes sex on this subject from an energy field below 200 in his book, "Healing and Recovery" as:  

"The teaching coming out of this energy field would perceive it as negative and associated with sin and suffering for which the God of that level is the great destroyer, with the process being one of destruction, self-hatred, self-pity, and self-blame."

He goes on to explain the view of sex from an energy field of 500 and over as:

"It is now a place of lovingness and gratitude.  It is seen as an expression of nurturance, support, and healing, and that making love is a healing, forgiving act.  People who have argued and fought before now melt in the embrace, forgiving, nurturing, and healing each other.  They reaffirm each others worth and value. Now sexuality becomes a gift and an expression of love.  It eventually becomes and expression of unconditional love, joy, and celebration of one own aliveness and existence."

Wow. 

Perhaps this is what Beethoven was expressing here:

 

Note:

From Power vs Force on Social Distribution of Consciousness Levels:

"A graphic representation of the distribution of the respective energy levels among the world's population would resemble the shape of a pagoda roof, in that 85 percent of the human race calibrates below the critical level of 200, while the overall average level of human consciousness today is approximately 207.  The power of the relatively few individuals near the top counterbalances the weakness of the masses toward the bottom to achieve this overall average.  Only 4% of the world's population calibrates at an energy field of 500 or above; only 0.4 % reach 540; and the level of consciousness calibration at 600 or above is reached by only 1 in 10 million."

*Jesus, Buddha and Krishna all calibrated at 1000.  The highest possible on this Earth.

My Heart Stumbles

The last 3 days left me wondering around like a monk looking for his begging bowl.  I was confident in the bowl but not in my higher power to fill it.  I thought I could do that myself.  Using my past history as my guide.  I didn't exactly "know" I was doing it but my body was telling me in every way possible that this is was so.

Anytime I look for "love" outside of myself and with others the Universe responds in kind with a negative response from deep within my body.  Everything starts slowing down and I become lethargic and pensive.  My power starts to slowly diminish.  And then I become "dependent" on a power source that is completely unnatural:

The Ego.

Mark Nepo describes this feeling in his book called The Book of Awakening:

"Thus, we continually run into mountains and rivers, run to the farthest sea, and into the arms of strangers, all to be shaken into remembering. And some of us lead simple lives, hoping to practice how not to forget. But part of our journey is this forgetting and this remembering. It is a special part of what makes us human. So what can we do? Well, it is no secret that slowness remembers and hurry forgets; that softness remembers and hardness forgets; that surrender remembers and fear forgets."

His description of slowness is different than being in the state of powerlessness.  It surreal and light.  Each moment is savored for its delicacy.  It's richness.  And Kindness.

While running around "looking" I was using a inner map of my psyche that looked and felt like the one my father modeled for me.   Distant and elusive.  Slippery and ethereal.

Strange.

Yet familiar.

I somehow have his karma and image imprinted into what I should be looking for.  In a person.  In a man.  In a relationship.  

Yikes.

Not exactly the model I had wanted for myself.  Or thought would be a remote possibility.  But it was sitting there. Silently in my head.  Wanting this image to somehow spring forth and be the person that was like him but with none of his tendencies of a distant and foreboding persona.  Or sexual dysfunction.  

While my sisters got the worst part of him.  I got left with an image of man that could have been.  Hoping and praying he would somehow "save" the best part of himself for me.  

I would have brought this "energy" to a new partner and would had given them this unrealistic expectations that they "fill" in for all the missing parts of his absence and love.  

A never ending begging bowl.

How attractive.

Yikes.

This "fever" of sorts broke through during yoga last night and I sat stunned at this new revelation and insight.  I left my yoga class wired and walking around in a PTSD state and could feel what it was like as a kid in my position.  Looking for an adult male that could love me unconditionally and model for me what a "real" man is.  I knew my father was not this but somehow my subconscious pysche did not get the message.

I have slowly returned to my "normal" state and feel completely free of this behavioral pattern set into stone many years ago by a parent who knew no better.  He gave me what he could.  A legacy of dysfunction and an imprinting impossible to bring to any relationship and highly toxic.

I wonder how the rest of my brothers view themselves in this light.  We all had the same father.  Or lack of one.  I wonder who they look to when all else fails.  

I hope it's a strong one.

  

Complete Me

I have a few "dates" coming up over the next few days. This will be my first real attempt in a very long time to start dating again.  My intention is to meet like minded people and see what happens.  

I had to literally take last year off (and the previous years) because of heavy, mental and latent energies that kept me barely functioning.   Everything seemed entirely too much.

Way to much.

And appropriately so given my childhood.  Looking back at all my relationships with others it all can be summed up with the following words:

"When a child is sexually abused, his normal sexual development is cut short. He’s forced to be sexual on an adult’s timetable. He doesn’t get to feel his own desire, sexual orientation, or interest. Nor does he get the chance to explore sex in an age-appropriate way. He learns that desire (the abuser’s desire), is a scary, out-of-control force. The child’s first experiences of sexual arousal are linked with shame, disgust, pain, and humiliation. This makes for powerful imprinting. If the abuse was linked with affection and nurturing, the child grows up confused about the difference between affection and sex, intimacy and intrusion.” Allies in Healing by Laura Davis. 

Wow.

It is comforting and terrifying to really understand my journey through this world.  No wonder up was down and black was white.  I say comforting only in the respect that I make sense given my environment and the arrested development of my psyche and mind.

The past relationships I have been in have come from this place of low self esteem and unhealthy boundaries.  I lacked the vision and appropriate role models to provide the way forward to a healthy relationship.

I am confident I have done a lot of ground breaking work within myself to attract and develop with a partner who had done the same.  

I am also confident I will use my voice to articulate my needs and do so in a manner that will honor both of us.  It's a bit scary and exciting.  

The possibilities are endless.  I have a lot to share with another human being.  And I will be ok if I am alone for the rest of this lifetime.  I no longer need another person to "complete" me.

That is amazing.

 

17,870 Days

I am taking an Microsoft Excel 2010 continuing education course at a local college here in Dallas.  Today was spent on the basics of this powerful and useful computer program that I can use in the future.

Our teacher is a dynamic and brilliant woman who can also teach 28 other types of computer programs.  Her precision and instant memory of complex functions and easy to understand teaching style makes this class fun and engaging.  Even if its 3 1/2 hours long on Saturday.  I am already looking forward to the next level class in February.

One of the formulas she had us "plug" into a spreadsheet calculated the amount of days we have been on this earth. I was so surprised by my number I had her "redo" my formula to make sure.  The number was just astounding:

17,870 days to be exact.

I announced to the class I was very "happy" with my number.  It seemed so generous and overflowing with abundance.  The sum total of my life. Even it some of the days were living Hell.  Or days filled with endless anxiety and depression.  It still seemed overly generous.  

The days of our lives.  With all the rainy Mondays and well spent Fridays.  Or weekends filled with tasks and naps.  Or days I spent wishing for a different type of life.  It seemed I wanted my days to be the opposite than the one offered to me.

It seems selfish now to have had this view.  Like wanting the Sun to look and feel different than it does.  Or wanting the trees to grow differently.  Hoping that my Mind would one day give a big and emphatic two thumbs up for that one sacred day.

This sacred day.

Any day is sacred.  Even those boring ones or crazy and demanding days.  Or the ones we spend wishing our lives and past were anything but the way it was for us.

I wondered if people with cancer or near the end of their life see it this way or do they want to have more days?  Asking for more days in this body seem selfish to me.  I feel like I have lived a complete life.  Nothing needs to be added or taken away.  It is all perfect.  Right down to the minute.

I would be happy, fulfilled and complete if this was to be my last day.  

Honestly.  

What a gift she taught me.  LIfe for me is in this moment.  Or days.  Strung together by sleep and pivotal moments and milestones.  They all count.

I also reflected on all the "second chances" I received to get it right.  The behaviors and karma I had to work out of my mind, body and Soul.  This generous amount of time given by a loving and patient Universe filled with compassion and kindness to a very troubled Soul.

Sacred.

 

 

The Voice

I saw this beautiful sunset going down tonight from the back of my house on the patio.  The suns melts into the distance and I can see it go down in a blaze of glory.  Its bright orange hues seemed to tug at my Being and comfort my insides.

I also saw these type of wintry sunsets while attending the Vipassana course that is near my home.  I moved out here to be near this type of energy and it feels like a warm blanket wrapped around my soul.  

I remember a night last week waiting for the evening meditation in my room and feeling alone.   I could sense this feeling of being banished from the world and isolated.  A familiar feeling that I did something "wrong" somehow and was waiting to be "punished" for some untold sin.  It seemed like an odd feeling to have.   Especially at a meditation center where Silence is golden and shame nonexistent.

I remember finding my innocence and a feeling of Joy came over me.  I had nothing to fear.  There was no punishment waiting from me.  The teachers and students were kind.  I sat with the group and it was kind and loving.

Coming home this week was also kind.  The feeling of  "punishment" would arise temporarily and it would quickly disappear.  Into the sunset.   My "sins" seemed to be man made.  Out of some book.  Handed down by confused people who have never felt a true sunset.  Fearing the future and praying for a reprieve from a deity they have never met.

I marvel at the mind's ability to rob us of our Peace. Creating multiple scenarios to keep us from being one with the sunset.  I am hopelessly optimistic about the future.  It seems full of Silence and quiet moments.  

And all I have to do is Be Here Now.

It is everywhere.

 

Just Breathe

I went back to Bikram Yoga Dallas tonight for a class.  It was simply wonderful.  I was greeted by the owner David and it was like going back to a place I seemed to have known forever.

Their new studio is ripe with the healing energies and perfectly created with a feeling of openness and kindness. The yoga is still demanding and intense.  The heat still is a challenge and will keep your mind occupied and your body loving the discipline for the hour and half class.

I was amazed at how forgiving my body has been given I have been away from the studio and the group energy for about a year.  I have been practicing sporadically for the past 12 months at home in my own studio.  It works per se but I want to see if I can do at least 3 classes a week at their studio for this year.  The heat is more intense and the group energy is beneficial to move in.

My postures, breath, balance and yoga are still burning strong.  The 10 day Vipassana course really helped me to stay still during a lot of the holding of the postures and it also opened up my mind considerably and it remained mostly quiet during the class.

David also mentioned in class my sister Beth had completed a 60 day challenge in the basement of her home a few years ago by a wood stove.  He said he tells this story a lot to people who say they don't have the time to come to the studio or the yoga is too hard.  What he doesn't know is she did almost the entire year of continuous Bikram yoga every day.   I am still in awe of that.

I love that I have found two different yet similar traditions out of India that have helped me heal this body and mind. Nothing else has been as effective and so challenging.  

I saw some familiar faces doing the yoga with me.  All keeping up their practice and doing the best they can.  I admire people who can stay with something and keep pushing their limits.  It's quite inspiring.

This year already has a different feel in the air.  The fear seems to have disappeared from my subconscious.  I feel solid on my feet.  I also know where to go when its not.

I love that about my life.

 

Give Peace A Chance

I completed my 4th 10 day Vipassana Meditation Course as a server on January 1, 2012.  I was assigned the role of kitchen manager (along with an assistant) with 11 servers and the responsibility of providing 2 vegetarian meals a day for about 100 people.  We also sat and meditated 3 hours a day during our group sits. 

It was a full circle moment from a year filled with intense feelings and emotions and finding the "Truth" about most everything in my life.   

Each "server" brought their life experiences and talents to the group and kitchen as we set out to accomplish this task.  The hours of the day were intense and packed with a tight schedule and numerous personalities.  It mostly flowed beautifully.  In spite of our differences and contrasting lifestyles, country of origin, language barriers and emotional maturity.  

Mostly.

Except.

Adam.  This irresistible and likable Australian.  He found his way to me in the kitchen at the beginning of the course. We chatted easily and naturally and I could see the possibility of a new friendship.  

Adam had just finished "sitting" a 10 day course and was going to "serve" another course after a 3 day break.  He was in the U.S. on a 3 month visa and wanted to learn how to meditate.  

He looked kinda sorta like Russell Crow's younger brother. Adam would quickly laugh at my quirky jokes and insights. He also seemed to be somewhat mystical and I dubbed him my "Australian Mystic".  He seemed to like my unsolicited name change.

He also sat right next to me during group sits and I could sense he was starting to act a bit weird as he would move his hands during meditation (moving your hands is not part of this meditation method and is immediately a "sign" of not following directions or a sign of trouble) and or would fall forward and lie still for many minutes while on his assigned mat.

Adam would also disappear for hours after our group sits and I had to constantly try to figure out where he was or kept bringing to his attention that our group works and moves together as one.  He seemed puzzled by the idea of any constraints on his personal freedom and began to act even stranger.

He put himself into Noble Silence when I was talking to him. Made strange "sign language" in the air with his fingers and spoke about the "Occupy Wall Street" movement as though he started it. 

His bizarre and crazy behavior became unmanageable on the morning of the fifth day.  He started getting highly agitated and was waving knifes in the air and scaring the other servers. His eyes were filled with intense fear and this fiery white light.  I could no longer see Adam in his body. I asked him to leave the kitchen and he put his finger into the middle of my back and forcefully pushed me out of the kitchen.

Another server joined us and we persuaded Adam to leave the dining hall and go to his room.  I then summoned one of the teachers and they quickly intervened and asked him to sit the rest of the course and he said no.

He packed up his stuff and refused a ride to the airport and walked on his own down the back roads of Kaufman County on his way to somewhere.

His absence left me feeling drained and relieved.  I felt like I was watching a unhealed version of myself.  Left to the forces of karma and the winds of chance.  I wondered why I had the intestinal fortitude and discipline to sit and serve many courses as he struggled to serve one.

I also knew that I had healed the demons that have haunted me as well.  They seemed to have doubled down on him and were keeping him from finding his way to the mat.

For the remaining days I wondered where he went.  I hoped that somehow he would find his way home.  Back to the outback in the small town of Albany in Western Australia that I had visited myself about 7 years ago.  

I also felt this immense energy around me while on this course.  It seemed to light the way forward and helped me serve the rest of the students and accomplish our goals.

At the end of the course we all received a thunderous applause for our efforts.  It left me teary eyed and humbled. I wish Adam would have been there with us to experience that. 

I just don't know if he is going to be able to make it back to himself and fend off the dark energies that sometimes overwhelm us.  

He also showed me what could have been.

 

Giving Like Christmas

I spent yesterday going through my closet and getting rid of suits, shirts, ties, sweaters and anything that no longer fit or had served its purpose over the years.  I gave them to Good Will and felt good about it.

I was walking into Walmart and gave to the Salvation Army guy with the red bucket some money and felt good about it. Their commercials on TV are especially heartbreaking and it all appears to being going to a good cause.

I was standing in line at Walmart and noticed a young boy buying Pop Tarts behind me and I watched him pulling out his tiny, little wallet to pay for it and I told the lady to put it on my bill.  My mind had stories of him eating these for breakfast and "there is no food at home" so I paid for it.  It may or not have been true but I felt good about it.  He stood in awe and shook my hand and wished me a Merry Christmas.  

I had dinner with friends and I bought a bouquet of flowers and a chocolate cake.  I felt good about it.  They cooked a delicious meal and we are truly good friends.  It is mutual respect and kindness and I didn't feel obligated but happy to do so.

I am also serving a 10 day Vipassana course next week.  I donate my time and energy and I feel good about it.  It is a "selfless" type of giving to people you don't know and I seem to "get" more out of it than they do.  

"I feel good about it"  seems to be the theme for my giving. It seems I am "giving" for reasons that do not seem to be from a place of neutrality.  Meaning there seems to another "hidden agenda" hiding and lurking underneath my extended hand.  I wanted to know my intention and purpose of my "giving" and how it came to be so "me" centered. 

 Elizabeth Gilbert writes in the December's issue and article called, "Confessions of an Over-giver" in O Magazine:

"Now, over-giving is not quite the same thing as generosity. Generosity is neither entangling nor aggressive, because the generous person doesn't expect anything in return.  The over-giver doesn't expect anything in return, either--except to be petted and feted and praised and loved unconditionally for the rest of time (and maybe you'll even stand up at my funeral and tell everyone what a wonderful person I was) so that's not emotionally loaded.  Nothing toxic there!"

...."Years ago, in India, a monk warned me, "Never give anyone more than they are emotionally capable of receiving, or they will have no choice but to hate you for it" At the time, the advice sounded cynical, even cruel.  It certainly flew in the face of Christianity's highest charitable ideals, as famously expressed by Mother Teresa:  "Give until it hurts."  But these days, I've come to believe that when you give heedlessly or with an agenda, you actually can give until it hurts, and that person who is most gravely injured in the exchange is the other guy."

I honestly never thought of it that way.  It seemed counter intuitive and in direct opposition to the way I was raised.  In hindsight I had learned to give to family members that were "struggling" and "having a hard time" as my mother so clearly and aptly pointed out.  It seemed like I could also win "approval" from her by doing so. 

I was also covering up for my parents lack of "parenting skills" and it was my "job" to give until it "hurts" and/or so I could win their approval as a "giving and loving" son.

I am the guilty party here.

I could have said no.  It might have served everybody in the long run.  They could have found their "path" and "got" their lessons without my over-giving and for me to "feel good about it" attitude.  And in the end nothing really changed.  

I am going to give from a place of "neutrality" and without a selfish agenda and I am more than willing to allow you or anybody to "get" the lessons that we all have come to the Earth to learn.

I won't be mean about it, but I may do nothing in the way of "over-giving" and honor your chosen path.  It's the way I learned to "give" to myself and others and learned to become self empowered in the process.

I more than likely will still give to others.  It will come from a place of generosity.