I have a few "dates" coming up over the next few days. This will be my first real attempt in a very long time to start dating again. My intention is to meet like minded people and see what happens.
I had to literally take last year off (and the previous years) because of heavy, mental and latent energies that kept me barely functioning. Everything seemed entirely too much.
Way to much.
And appropriately so given my childhood. Looking back at all my relationships with others it all can be summed up with the following words:
"When a child is sexually abused, his normal sexual development is cut short. He’s forced to be sexual on an adult’s timetable. He doesn’t get to feel his own desire, sexual orientation, or interest. Nor does he get the chance to explore sex in an age-appropriate way. He learns that desire (the abuser’s desire), is a scary, out-of-control force. The child’s first experiences of sexual arousal are linked with shame, disgust, pain, and humiliation. This makes for powerful imprinting. If the abuse was linked with affection and nurturing, the child grows up confused about the difference between affection and sex, intimacy and intrusion.” Allies in Healing by Laura Davis.
Wow.
It is comforting and terrifying to really understand my journey through this world. No wonder up was down and black was white. I say comforting only in the respect that I make sense given my environment and the arrested development of my psyche and mind.
The past relationships I have been in have come from this place of low self esteem and unhealthy boundaries. I lacked the vision and appropriate role models to provide the way forward to a healthy relationship.
I am confident I have done a lot of ground breaking work within myself to attract and develop with a partner who had done the same.
I am also confident I will use my voice to articulate my needs and do so in a manner that will honor both of us. It's a bit scary and exciting.
The possibilities are endless. I have a lot to share with another human being. And I will be ok if I am alone for the rest of this lifetime. I no longer need another person to "complete" me.
That is amazing.
It is amazing what abuse can do to a person's world. And imagine if you just simply say, "you are forgiven" and try and live normal.
Saying forgiving words will not change the insides that are so confused due to being introduce to an adult activity far far before your little body, let alone mind can comprehend.
The last 8 years of your life has been to work like hell to undo this damage...years to get back a complete Me. You are well well on your way!
You are way more straight that crooked now!
Standing tall in knowing you not only were abused, and lived in a confused messed up state, but you also were brave enough to learn why and then, which is the hardest part, change.
Healing from abuse is a process that takes years, not just a few words uttered, "You are forgiven".
Posted by: I M Perfect | January 13, 2012 at 01:37 PM
Yay! Dating! I'm so happy to hear that you're ready to explore the possibilities as a different man than you were before. I think you'll see what other men have to offer with a whole new set of eyes. I'm excited about this! I hope you dance.
Posted by: Leah | January 13, 2012 at 12:36 PM