Neglecting My Innocence

I came to the stunning (and quite obvious) realization that I was neglected as a child.  This neglected state and environment left me in a constant state of craving, wanting and desiring.  I wanted what any other child growing up needs and wants.  Unconditional Love.  From a parent that is willing and able to provide it.  Without conditions.

Yesterday the effects of this caused a delayed reaction of sorts and had me in the throws of all three.  It was bewildering, perplexing and puzzling.  The ghosts of my past came rushing in to be filled.  Instantly and immediately.  

Like right now.  Without further delay.  Now.  

Part of the definition of neglect is "habitual lack of care".  I am stunned I could not see this.  Even now.  To acknowledge meant I would then have to FEEL what that was like as a child.  Nobody is there.  They were lost and absorbed in the constant activity of "busyness" and mental and emotional despondency.

This setup my psychological makeup of craving, wanting and desiring.  I needed to be seen and heard.   And mostly loved as an innocent boy.  Unconditionally.  It is natural part of growing up.  Without it I grew the deep roots of this unnatural "neediness" and "begging" for attention.  

Attention did come to me.  It was from sexual predators. This became my "way" to receive "love" and "attention". How revolting and unsettling.  And this pattern has played itself out like a song from the deepest part of the darkest world.  In me.  Left unattended and watered by the sands of time.

The intriguing part of this discovery is that it has lead me back to my innocence.  The little boy in the red sweater. Programmed to fail.  To crave, want and desire.  All the elements of an addicted soul.  Left alone to figure out the way forward.  

I can see clearly now the reason I grew up to be such a dysfunctional adult.  It was programmed into me by my parents, religion, environment and the "mind" ran away with it.  Hoping I could never clearly see the roots of a system designed to keep one in paralysis and fear.

This craving, wanting and needing also brought up guilt and shame.  It was now tied to abuse and responsibility for it all. My needs were put aside for the needs of others.  I also kept my "needs" aside to keep the shame and guilt from resurfacing.  A mad dance from the mind and body.  The innocent boy was left in the middle of an impossible world.

Holy Cow.

David Hawkins writes about this conundrum as such:

Desire is an energy level, 125.

"Frustration is associated with desiringness, wantingness, and then anger and pridefulness about sexuality.  This is demonstrated by strutting ones macho 

image or sticking out ones feminine attributes in a prideful, tantalizing, seductive, kind of controlling, manipulating, and exploiting way, aka Hollywood.

"The marketing industry utilizes this - the desiringness, frustration, lack, and feeling of separation and attempts to control and manipulate people.  There is a pretty

girl on the hood of a car, but what does a car have to do with a pretty girl?  The advertisement is trying to connect the two.  If I get this car or shampoo, or hair-do, or

if I wear this perfume, then I will overcome this separation between me and what I desire."

"That point of view then creates an endless painfulness and source of suffering. The suffering takes various forms, such as impotence, frigidity, sadism, or even violence.

They arise from holding sexuality from the view of its physicalness, desiringness, and lustful wantingness.  One can see why so many people are run by that."

"Because the nature of this energy field of Desire, the accompanying emotions are this of wantingness, greed and cravings, leading to an addiction of sex.  Sexuality runs the sexually obsessed.

 

Sexual obsession/compulsion results in the endless promiscuity of going to bed with anyone available and arises from the need to prove ones desirability."

"On the right side of the Map of Consciousness, one can see that the process going on in consciousness at this energy level is that of entrapment.  Within consciousness at this level, 

once a person wants something, that wanting begins to dominate. The desiringness and wantingness runs the person.  Temporary gratification fails to suffice because

of the negativity of the field, and leads to endless frustration, wanting, and craving.  There is no completion, no feeling of finality, and no feeling of happiness; there are only enslavement and sexual addiction."

I understand now how I could have been nothing other than this "heat seeking missle".  The logical conclusion of neglect.

And by knowing, understanding and feeling this sets me free.

Comments

[Carl Huhta]

Thank you Kyle. I write so I can expose my "vulnerability" and thus regain and empower myself.

[Kyle]

This is such a heartfelt exposition of one's vulnerability. It is good that you are recognizing your sexual obsession/compulsion and that is a start towards seeking recovery and complete happiness.

I wish you the best.