Body of Work

I came to the sudden and powerful realization that I subconsciously look to my job as my Savior.  Yes.  As in that Lord and Savior.  How unsettling it is to realize that I had a power source outside of me with that much of my definition held up inside of it.

Part of the definition of Savior is : "one that saves from danger or destruction."   I can see now how that came to be so.  When I look back at all the times I was in heightened states of anxiety and terror, the common theme was that I was going to be homeless, annihilated, broke and tired.  

And I was in my Mind.

I also go way back to my childhood and see where this same formula was held as "true" in my Reality.  Held together by two powerless parents in abject poverty in body, mind and Spirit.  Every "event" seemed to move the house of cards.  

I remember my mother in her teal, colored night gown, pregnant, and holding two of my younger siblings.  Her severe short haircut and absolute dire surroundings crying out to me, "Life is hard Carl.  Life is hard".  

Yikes.

Bills piled up like kids.  Everything seemed to be near collapse or was broken.  Mountains of clothes.  Piles of diapers.  Endless cries from the babies and children.  We seemed to be the cause of all their problems and were.

Everything was scarce.  

Without us,  it seemed their life would be marvelous.  They could escape their life of Karma and debt.  He could just molest the neighbor kids.  She could keep her idyllic religion and keep blessing them without the consequences of seeing her own flesh and blood from imploding.  

And I just got lost under a pile of clothes.  Dirty, molested and in dire need of attention, kindness and love.  They seemed to have held the "keys" to my freedom.  My protection and safety was tied in with these two yahoos.  

And they failed us miserably at every turn.

Their religion.  Their love.  Their parenting skills.   The end result of a religion that neither respects children or sees them.  The children are the unintended consequences of a "rule" of birth control.  Heavily enforced and monitored by shaming, guilt, blame and direct questioning about the "number" of kids each family had.  They "carried" their children like a heavy basket for God and their "burden" was admired.

"How" each family "parented" did not matter.  There was no shame in parents who did not have the money or skills to handle such a sorry lot.   The "parents" were always "right". In everything they did or said.  They held a "God" like position over their kids.  Anything that was done in the name of "God" was acceptable.  

Anything.

I grew to hate all of it.  I resented them and all of the chaos surrounding them.  His out of control emotional and mental impurities and her blind faith.  A recipe for disaster and heartache.

And my version of my "Lord and Savior".

Yikes.

I created a life for myself that looked nothing like this on the outside.  You would have to look pretty hard to see the end result of a childhood that resembled that.  And I "worked" hard to keep this from being seen or felt.

Except.

The "formula" for duplication was in every cell of my being. I simply could not put on enough faces to hide it nor could I fool the body into believing that "all was well with thee". 

 

Marianne Williamson writes of this paradox:  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

 

It's really freeing to know this.  

Even after all of these years.

   

Comments

[Sample Letters]

Hi, I found this blog once, then lost it. Took me forever to come back and find it. I wanted to see what comments you got. Nice blog by the way.I must take this opportunity to write to you from my heart.I Really enjoyed your blog.I have never read such a wonderful article.

[Leah]

This is by far, the best of your blogs. I love hearing it in your own words. When you write like this, I feel like I can see how it was for you. It makes me feel sad knowing what it was for you, and honored at the same time that I have been a witness to your journey.

[I M Perfect]

Great Blog. When we are left in danger as a child, we live afterward in search of a savior, for we were never rescued. Once you go back and get your wounded child, you will no longer seek to be saved.

What a great gift to give your self on your Birthday Eve!