Fighting the Resistance

I had one of the toughest yoga classes in recent memory last night.  Every part of my Being fought the breath and the yoga.  It actively rebelled against it all. The room, teacher, and most importantly, the breath.  

This life sustaining energy that keeps this body, mind, soul organism alive.  When this "energy" is allowed to permeate my being and infiltrate my lungs, chest, belly area, the yoga flows like a river to the sea.  Unimpeded and without major obstacles.  Like rain falling from the sky.

This burning "resistance" feels like a tightly compressed ball of un-felt and unexpressed emotions held together by fear and loss of a perceived love.  

It also houses my definition of love and self worth.  The "house of the rising sun".  Its ingredients tossed there by a careless chef and blended together by toxic spices.  Its aromas drifting upwards when any "forced" situation was placed upon me.  

One of the definitions of resistance is:  

"the capacity of an organism to defend itself against harmful environmental agents; "these trees are widely planted because of their resistance to salt and smog"

I built this "wall of resistance" to these "harmful environmental agents" and it became my "survival self".  It was me against the world.  The main purpose is to get to the end of the day without using defiance and belligerence as a coping mechanism.  It appeared that my life required this.

This feeling of being "forced" to resist and to "allow" had me in an impossible conundrum of sorts.  A living paradox and a defiant disposition.  Wanting to be loved and then being "forced" to withstand abuse to experience "love".

The God of "love" and "fear".  

Two diametrically opposed forces of emotions.  Impossible to tolerate and to execute.  This ball of "resistance" is also stopping me from living a full and natural life.  It keeps me chained to an imaginary wall of survival and existence.

I can see how it clearly started for one reason and continued on for another.  It no longer is working for me or this mind, body organism.  My Soul is being constrained and it's holding me back from full expression of Light.

I no longer hold the events and circumstances outside of me responsible for my well being.  I know the source of my containment and will actively seek to break down the resistance.  

It may require a heavy sledge hammer and intense focus.

Or surrending peacefully to what is.  And then feeling it to the depth of my being.

I found this quote by Dan Millman that echos my experience:

“Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is...The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds.”