I saw this quote today from Gary Zukav that neatly describes the feelings I've had for most of my life:
"The core cause of anger is a lack of self-worth. Rage is an excruciating experience of powerlessness."
In a yoga class this evening I could feel the empty space where anger and rage used to take up in residence. A warm and cozy spot just below the space where self esteem lives.
I thought of the countless hours I spent in yoga attempting to process the years of un-felt and unexpressed emotions. There seem to be "barrels" full. Often times I could not even find a person, place or event that was attached to it.
Other times I could.
Tonight in class, a warm light permeated my Being. It was more of an awareness then an intellectual understanding. I had no "specific" thought that brought this sense of wonderment and freedom.
I also released my "attachment" to all repetitive thoughts and emotions that were no longer true for me. They happily moved on to the next person wanting to hold unto this unproductive and unhealthy energy.
I could clearly sense that a huge "shift" has moved from deep within my subconsciousness. The heat and intensity did not stir the "dragon" and the postures felt fluid and kind.
I also thought of all the people I know struggling to "process" and make sense of the life that was given to them. I would not want to trade places with any of them. I wondered what tools they have available to them to make their journey bearable.
This "excruciating experience of powerlessness" feeling I have know all to well. It left me struggling to find my way. The matrix appeared to hold all of the "power" and I was left wondering how I could navigate my way forward safely.
During the floor series in yoga I felt this immense and deep sense of forgiveness moving through my mind and this
"release" of sorts tumbling out of my Being. It wanted out of the business of holding people and events "responsible" and wanted instead to send compassion to the ones that have hurt me most. It seemed unusual, yet completely natural. Except I was not the one directing it. It was releasing all the "toxic" emotions from deep within.
And I loved it.
Nisargadatta describes this awareness: "Awareness is ever there. It need not be realized. Open the shutter of the mind, and it will be flooded with light."
The "opening" happens when the "shift" does.
And I call it forgiveness.
I also don't believe it can be handed out like candy. It comes from a higher source and we can only prepare the space within ourselves for it to enter.
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