I had one of the toughest yoga classes in recent memory last night. Every part of my Being fought the breath and the yoga. It actively rebelled against it all. The room, teacher, and most importantly, the breath.
This life sustaining energy that keeps this body, mind, soul organism alive. When this "energy" is allowed to permeate my being and infiltrate my lungs, chest, belly area, the yoga flows like a river to the sea. Unimpeded and without major obstacles. Like rain falling from the sky.
This burning "resistance" feels like a tightly compressed ball of un-felt and unexpressed emotions held together by fear and loss of a perceived love.
It also houses my definition of love and self worth. The "house of the rising sun". Its ingredients tossed there by a careless chef and blended together by toxic spices. Its aromas drifting upwards when any "forced" situation was placed upon me.
One of the definitions of resistance is:
"the capacity of an organism to defend itself against harmful environmental agents; "these trees are widely planted because of their resistance to salt and smog"
I built this "wall of resistance" to these "harmful environmental agents" and it became my "survival self". It was me against the world. The main purpose is to get to the end of the day without using defiance and belligerence as a coping mechanism. It appeared that my life required this.
This feeling of being "forced" to resist and to "allow" had me in an impossible conundrum of sorts. A living paradox and a defiant disposition. Wanting to be loved and then being "forced" to withstand abuse to experience "love".
The God of "love" and "fear".
Two diametrically opposed forces of emotions. Impossible to tolerate and to execute. This ball of "resistance" is also stopping me from living a full and natural life. It keeps me chained to an imaginary wall of survival and existence.
I can see how it clearly started for one reason and continued on for another. It no longer is working for me or this mind, body organism. My Soul is being constrained and it's holding me back from full expression of Light.
I no longer hold the events and circumstances outside of me responsible for my well being. I know the source of my containment and will actively seek to break down the resistance.
It may require a heavy sledge hammer and intense focus.
Or surrending peacefully to what is. And then feeling it to the depth of my being.
I found this quote by Dan Millman that echos my experience:
One of the lessons from The Twelve Rules for Being human is:
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. - A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it then you can go on to the next lesson.
Sometimes I forget to learn this. It brings with it painful consequences. At other times I am not even aware that I am failing the "lesson". It sure sticks around though and hangs in the air like a wasp. I often think I can "outlast" or exhaust the lesson, instead I end up being completely exhausted.
I finally surrender to what I am being asked to do.
Gary Zukav writes in his book, "Spiritual Partnership":
"When you are unaware of your choices, you remain in fear. When you are aware of your fear, you are able to choose differently. You are able to inject consciousness into an otherwise unconscious process and change it."
He also speaks of the resistance to the lesson:
"The rubber meets the spiritual road when you are furious, want to withdraw emotionally, cannot get out of bed in the morning, or stop eating, thinking critical thoughts, shopping, or watching pornography and you face what you are feeling (experience the painful sensations in your energy centers) and challenge it instead of indulging it. When you stop before you act habitually (compulsively or addictively) and experience what you are feeling, you enter the dragon's lair. When you respond instead of react, you engage the dragon directly, and the more its power over you diminishes until it disappears."
I can, at most times hear the dragon moving about, but until I engage with it directly the lesson does not begin. I am inept and awkward at first, but sooner or later I know the dragon is there to show me my weaknesses and I become empowered.
This "fencing me in" feeling is my resistance to what is. And I remain stuck in the dragons lair.
I read this today and thought how wonderful it would have been to "get" this lesson in first grade and Sunday school. It really does "mirror" my experiences on this planet thus far.
Twelve Rules For Being Human - These Rules I have been told are handed down from Ancient Sanskrit
1. You will receive a body - You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons - You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called LIFE . Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think of them as irrelevant and stupid.
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons - Growth is a process of Trial and Error ; Experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately ''work''.
4. A lesson is repeated until learned. - A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it then you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end - There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive , there are lessons to be learned.
6. ''There'' is no better than ''here'' - When your ''there'' has become a ''here'', you will simply obtain another ''there'' that will again look better than ''here''.
7. Others are merely mirrors of you - You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something that you love or hate about yourself .
8. What you make your life is up to you - You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Life is exactly what You think it is - You create a life that matches your beliefs and expectations.
10. Your answers lie Inside You, - The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.
11. You will forget all this.
12. You can remember it whenever you want.
I truly believe I finally understand the journey. I don't have all the answers for you or me but this has helped to frame my journey.
I saw this quote today from Gary Zukav that neatly describes the feelings I've had for most of my life:
"The core cause of anger is a lack of self-worth. Rage is an excruciating experience of powerlessness."
In a yoga class this evening I could feel the empty space where anger and rage used to take up in residence. A warm and cozy spot just below the space where self esteem lives.
I thought of the countless hours I spent in yoga attempting to process the years of un-felt and unexpressed emotions. There seem to be "barrels" full. Often times I could not even find a person, place or event that was attached to it.
Other times I could.
Tonight in class, a warm light permeated my Being. It was more of an awareness then an intellectual understanding. I had no "specific" thought that brought this sense of wonderment and freedom.
I also released my "attachment" to all repetitive thoughts and emotions that were no longer true for me. They happily moved on to the next person wanting to hold unto this unproductive and unhealthy energy.
I could clearly sense that a huge "shift" has moved from deep within my subconsciousness. The heat and intensity did not stir the "dragon" and the postures felt fluid and kind.
I also thought of all the people I know struggling to "process" and make sense of the life that was given to them. I would not want to trade places with any of them. I wondered what tools they have available to them to make their journey bearable.
This "excruciating experience of powerlessness" feeling I have know all to well. It left me struggling to find my way. The matrix appeared to hold all of the "power" and I was left wondering how I could navigate my way forward safely.
During the floor series in yoga I felt this immense and deep sense of forgiveness moving through my mind and this "release" of sorts tumbling out of my Being. It wanted out of the business of holding people and events "responsible" and wanted instead to send compassion to the ones that have hurt me most. It seemed unusual, yet completely natural. Except I was not the one directing it. It was releasing all the "toxic" emotions from deep within.
And I loved it.
Nisargadatta describes this awareness: "Awareness is ever there. It need not be realized. Open the shutter of the mind, and it will be flooded with light."
The "opening" happens when the "shift" does.
And I call it forgiveness.
I also don't believe it can be handed out like candy. It comes from a higher source and we can only prepare the space within ourselves for it to enter.
I recently received a comment from the blog I wrote called, "A Pocket Full of Mumbles" that was surprising to say the least. One of the moments in life where you are left speechless and stunned. I at first looked inside and became silent looking for any "truths" to his assertions. I simply could not find any. My adult behaviors (with adult gay men) do not merit his comments:
Carl,
"A while back, in our discussions, the name (younger boy from your neighborhood) came up. You were then paranoid for two weeks, afraid you were going to “go to jail”. You were unable to shake the fear. Also unable to admit you are a sex offender. As you said to me, “it is o.k. for you to be a sex offender, but not for me”.
A bit later you related a dream you had, you were trying to hold me accountable for sexual abuse, but in your dream you were unable to do so. One theory on dreams is that all the ‘players’ in a dream represent a part of ourselves. I believe you would like to hold accountable that part of you that is (was?) a sex offender, but as your dream showed you, you are unable to do so.
One time I explained a professional theory to you, regarding healing from sex abuse, in that one must work on their offending prior to working on survivor issues, or else one simply will not heal at all. This theory had you so upset, you responded with “What makes them the arbiter on healing! How can they decide what someone works on!” I am quite sure it hit way too close to home for you.
Carl, you have explained to me what happened in your neighborhood growing up. All the boy on boy sex abuse. You have agonized over bringing your own younger brother over to the ‘shack’, only to see him be sexually abused, as you were. It was a real hard time for you, Carl, feeling responsible for bringing your little brother over to get abused. You have agonized to me, saying “I don’t remember sexually abusing anyone, I hope I didn’t, I don’t think I did.”
But yet, you continue to project your (sex offending) guilt onto me. You are better than that , Carl. It is not a way of healing oneself. It is only a way to remain stuck.
Carl, when you blog about Carl, when you stand in your truths and speak of Carl, you are a wonderful writer. When you stray from that, you are less than you can be."
I also spoke with a younger brother and his wife, who have been greatly affected with their own children by sexual abuse and asked them directly about my name ever being mentioned as an abuser. I also asked if my name was ever mentioned within their families, community and extended family and friends.
They both responded emphatically "never".
My brother is in contact with most of the "boys" in our old neighborhood and also with two other of my younger brothers. He said they have in the past discussed their experiences growing up and it included sexual abuse and they all named a person who also abused me.
He also went on to explain that I had every opportunity to "abuse" him, and on a specific occasion when I was taking care of him at an Uncle's home in Zion while he was being treated for a serious injury. He was in sixth grade at the time and I was just out of the Marine Corps. There is a 13 years age difference between us.
I also have had time to reflect on his comments. They sound very close to what I call my "abused mind". It has been the "blueprint" for most of my life since my initial abuse at the age of 4.
These words, though not exact, have held me in "perdition" for decades. What the "abused mind" convinced me of was I was "guilty" for being abused. I am the one who somehow got my Uncle and others to molest me. It is my fault.
The "blueprint" for my "sentence" including these familiar themes:
1. You are worthless.
2. You are a dirty, little fucker.
3. You are responsible.
4. You are guilty.
5. You will never be "clean" again.
6. You are going to Hell.
7. Your talents and body are worthless.
8. Nobody will ever love you.
9. You deserve every affliction that has ever happened to you.
10. Whatever you do will never be "enough".
And on and on. A life sentence without parole. And over time with the aid of alcohol, drugs, toxic relationships and self abuse I set out to "match" this definition of myself. A long and arduous descent into Hell.
I am no stranger to abuse. Self abuse. I have done this well. It has nearly cost me my life. With the help of intense medication, Vipassana courses, therapy, Bikram yoga, A Course in Miracles and a very kind, supportive and loving older sister, I can safely say I am living a life far from what the "abused mind" wanted for me.
I also call it Divine Grace.
I have never asserted myself to be this whole and upstanding human Being. I have hurt many people in my journey here. Just not in the manner and way that he is describing.
I am open to that as well. I will take responsibility if another human Being asserts that I have abused them in the past. I would never wish my journey on anybody. Including the people who have harmed me in the past.
The true "gift" of his comments to me were that it explained how I came to believe the abuse was all "my fault" and how I grew into it. Imagine a 4 year old having to carry this around like a toy truck.
I also no longer believe the "abused mind".
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
The recent flurry of activity on different blogs about "ending" the discussion on sexual, emotional and physical abuse/religion of origin/pedophiles had me wondering about whether a person is "healed" or not. Can the "abuser" be the one to claim this right? Do they determine (or an assigned program/state/government/psychologists/church/religion) when the affliction/addiction/compulsion/dysfunction is healed?
I wanted to know the definition of healing:
heal
(hl)
v. healed, heal·ing, heals
v.tr.
1. To restore to health or soundness; cure. See Synonyms at cure.
2. To set right; repair: healed the rift between us.
3. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.
v.intr.
To become whole and sound; return to health.
"Setting right; repair" is posited for the benefit of the abuser (and those uncomfortable with) and to the detriment of the victims long, arduous, journey towards healing. The victim(s) are then placed in a situation of "forgiving" the abusers or risk looking like they are not a "playing" their part in the healing/forgiving process.
I remember a Dr. Phil episode where a cheating husband was "tired of talking about his affair with another woman" with his wife. Dr. Phil responded unequivocally that his wife has the right to talk about this affair "when and until" she believes you (the husband) gets it.
My own family of origin/FALC/Christians also wants to stop talking about anything pertaining to our dysfunctional family. As does my father (pedophile) and religious mother. One sister "dealt" with "it" in the morning and went right to work. Done and over. Imagine that. An instant "healing" of the highest order.
My parents favorite answer to the tough and intense questions were always, "I don't remember". How convenient and repulsive. It seemed they were a million miles away from their own household and their own children. Perhaps I have a second set of "ghost parents" that were in our home growing up. Maybe from another church.
I wonder in my own journey if I had been "assigned/ordered/pressured into my first Vipassana Meditation course or Bikram yoga practice. How open minded would I have been to their intense program and guidance? I think I would have done what was necessary to "prove" my sanity to anyone who questioned it.
I practice these techniques because I need them for my own personal growth and to heal the egregious results of sexual abuse. The pain was so intense I needed to find a practice that could reach into the depths of my subconsciousness and pull out the suffering and put me on a path to healing and recovery.
It has.
An abuser could not do this for me.
I can see why they would want this to be over and done with and never have to "look behind". To be as Rumi says:
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
This "field" in my experience is beyond an idea or beliefs and resonates full of integrity, honesty and an open heart. The Universe will determine whether you are aligned with that.
With Valentines Day fast approaching and the subject of Love had me thinking what is means to me in my experience. I often ask people what their definition of Love is and the most people repeated answer is a "Hollywood" version of it. The words "unconditional" and "loves me no matter what" seem to be a favorite.
I look back to where I formulated my experience of Love. It was demonstrated to me by my parents in acts of powerlessness, guilt, shame and came from their own worthlessness of sexual abuse. They simply had nothing else to offer each other or to me. My first experience of sex and intimacy (his version of it) was sexual abuse by my Uncle. I equated this to mean Love. Abuse equals Love.
Imprints such as these qualities then become an unconscious barometer to the body and mind. Nothing else is recognized and will not "match" any other definition.
Their words and actions matched this definition of love.
I have reacted poorly to people in my past relationships that have tried to "mirror" this back to me. They were showing me over and over what I believed to be "Love".
And is was Love, damn it.
David Hawkins writes of this: “Love is misunderstood to be an emotion; actually, it is a state of awareness, a way of being in the world, a way of seeing oneself and others.”
Awareness is available only at certain levels of consciousness. I was operating from the same level of consciousness I was born into and had been taught to "believe". This would include their definition of love.
Love as the say is truly blind. We can only get an accurate reading on this by the way our partners treat us. Not when we are "getting along" but the way and the manner we fight with each other. That is what we most want to hide.
I finished my beginning Excel class today. A mind blowing exercise through cells, formulas and spreadsheets. What appears to be a complex program of functions and commands is actually a tool to make sense of data in a organized and linear way.
What I found intriguing and perplexing is the "language" of Excel. Its "absolute" rules of engagement and with a simple touch of a "function" key, a spectacular spray of information is neatly compiled for your edification. Amazing.
I quickly learned that whatever "formula" was placed in a cell would display a numerical summation and could save you the tedious task of "figuring out" pretty much any simple or complex mathematical equations.
To correct a formula I would have to change the "error" within the cell. An "understanding" of the problem did not fix the formula. You literally have to open up the cell and examine closely what lies beneath. Like a surgical incision of sorts. Precision, experience, and guidance matters. The "faulty" formulas could be opened up and looked at closely under a intense and burning light.
I found the excavation of my own psyche to be similar to a complex and foreboding spreadsheet. Weird and erroneous "formulas" carelessly placed conspicuously "everywhere". Nothing added up to something. Something making the spreadsheet into nothing.
The strange and queer "formulas" also became my "way" in the world. I saw only what the numbers added up to. I felt the impact of being "responsible (for the program) and not in control (of the spreadsheet) to be absolutely maddening and terrifying.
The "laws" of the Universe did not match my line of sight. I saw only part of the equation or it did not even register and fell unto my blind side. Both begging each other for clarity, compassion and mutual understanding. The tail kept wagging the dog. I kept wondering why this dog could not hunt properly. The tail just wagged in confusion and ultimately stopping moving.
While doing yoga this morning I caught a glimpse of myself without the "spreadsheet". None of the formulas were true. They were all a bunch of thoughts and ideas placed there a long time ago by some very misguided and demonic human beings. The image of me towered over these broken and misguided "formulas". I stood there astounded I would ever believe I had to live in the smallest and darkest part of myself.
A prison made up of imaginary beliefs and fears.
The man looking back at me was kind and strong. His legs powered his body in and out of every posture. Sweat and determination poured out of every part of his Being. He moved with grace and understanding. There was absolutely nothing "awkward" about him. I stood there in awe.
Andrew Cohen describes life changing moments as this:
"The authentic self is the best part of a human being. It's the part of you that already cares, that is already passionate about evolution. When your authentic self miraculously awakens and becomes stronger than your ego, then you will truly begin to make a difference in this world. You will literally enter into a partnership with the creative principle."
And I quietly lay down on my mat silently thanking the Angels who brought this beautiful Light to me.
Today I mourned the loss of what I considered a close friend. It seemed to be delayed response to an event from months ago. I thought of this poem while processing it all:
"People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on." Charlsy Soccer Chick
It felt lousy in spite of this wise and prophetic poem. A distant and familiar ache and now an empty memory of potentials. I sometimes pretend we are still close friends. Both of us on an assigned Sabbatical of sorts. Neither one more important than the other and purpose driven.
Gary Zukav writes in his amazing, new book, "Spiritual Partnership: The Journey to Authentic Power":
"People and circumstances trigger your anger, jealousy, and fear, but changing those experiences requires turning your attention toward what has been triggered (the painful experiences of your chains) and away for what triggered it (the shadows). Looking inward when you become upset (feeling the sensations in your body) instead of looking outward (attempting to change people or circumstances) allows you to explore what has been activated inside you."
"Until you change THAT, you will not change. You will continue to shout, weep, and withdraw as well as demand apologies, feel rejected, feel superior, feel inferior, and engage in all the destructive behaviors that you have perfected. Once you become familiar with your chains, you will know exactly what you need to change."
I looked inward and found this all to familiar chant of wanting some body to fulfil a need left vacant by others in my past. My mind insists that it is powerless in times like these. It constantly projects its fears unto others and is unhappy when they are incapable or unable to complete their roles.
As the day moved along with its twisted up emotions and intense energies, I realized I was the one who insisted that this relationship be authentic on all levels. I was the one standing in my integrity and truth. I now see the "gift" from this "season". It leaves me confident and empowered.
It doesn't mean I don't think of him from time to time. I wonder how his life will flow out and I hope its kind and generous.
I had written another poem a few years back and I am surprised I had the "awareness" in me at the time for this type of understanding. Perhaps the words come first and followed by a long period of fermentation and finally fruition:
Surrender to the Mystery
of what is called life.
It's really not yours to experience
Anyway.
Observe from a distance.
Surrender your will even,
It will happen with or without your consent.
Good things will happen, because they do.
Bad things happen too!
Who am I? Is the question we should all ask.
On any given moment or thought.
Who is the seer of all that?
Where does the observer reside?
To whom does it happen?
Surrender to the mystery of you.
The words are more powerful now that I have experienced them as well. The questions are still valid. Mark Nepo describes this delicate and confounding "way" of the "monkey" mind: "We tend to make the thing in the way the way."
I had made anxiety and fear my "way" forward. It seemed to be the key ingredient to work with while creating a path. What foolery. And wasted energy. This mind kept me engaged in an endless battle of what ifs and might happen scenarios.
Awareness of this stops the endless cyle and the stars open up in the night sky to been seen for what they are.
l) 