I recently received a comment from the blog I wrote called, "A Pocket Full of Mumbles" that was surprising to say the least. One of the moments in life where you are left speechless and stunned. I at first looked inside and became silent looking for any "truths" to his assertions. I simply could not find any. My adult behaviors (with adult gay men) do not merit his comments:
Carl,
"A while back, in our discussions, the name (younger boy from your neighborhood) came up. You were then paranoid for two weeks, afraid you were going to “go to jail”. You were unable to shake the fear. Also unable to admit you are a sex offender. As you said to me, “it is o.k. for you to be a sex offender, but not for me”.
A bit later you related a dream you had, you were trying to hold me accountable for sexual abuse, but in your dream you were unable to do so. One theory on dreams is that all the ‘players’ in a dream represent a part of ourselves. I believe you would like to hold accountable that part of you that is (was?) a sex offender, but as your dream showed you, you are unable to do so.
One time I explained a professional theory to you, regarding healing from sex abuse, in that one must work on their offending prior to working on survivor issues, or else one simply will not heal at all. This theory had you so upset, you responded with “What makes them the arbiter on healing! How can they decide what someone works on!” I am quite sure it hit way too close to home for you.
Carl, you have explained to me what happened in your neighborhood growing up. All the boy on boy sex abuse. You have agonized over bringing your own younger brother over to the ‘shack’, only to see him be sexually abused, as you were. It was a real hard time for you, Carl, feeling responsible for bringing your little brother over to get abused. You have agonized to me, saying “I don’t remember sexually abusing anyone, I hope I didn’t, I don’t think I did.”
But yet, you continue to project your (sex offending) guilt onto me. You are better than that , Carl. It is not a way of healing oneself. It is only a way to remain stuck.
Carl, when you blog about Carl, when you stand in your truths and speak of Carl, you are a wonderful writer. When you stray from that, you are less than you can be."
I also spoke with a younger brother and his wife, who have been greatly affected with their own children by sexual abuse and asked them directly about my name ever being mentioned as an abuser. I also asked if my name was ever mentioned within their families, community and extended family and friends.
They both responded emphatically "never".
My brother is in contact with most of the "boys" in our old neighborhood and also with two other of my younger brothers. He said they have in the past discussed their experiences growing up and it included sexual abuse and they all named a person who also abused me.
He also went on to explain that I had every opportunity to "abuse" him, and on a specific occasion when I was taking care of him at an Uncle's home in Zion while he was being treated for a serious injury. He was in sixth grade at the time and I was just out of the Marine Corps. There is a 13 years age difference between us.
I also have had time to reflect on his comments. They sound very close to what I call my "abused mind". It has been the "blueprint" for most of my life since my initial abuse at the age of 4.
These words, though not exact, have held me in "perdition" for decades. What the "abused mind" convinced me of was I was "guilty" for being abused. I am the one who somehow got my Uncle and others to molest me. It is my fault.
The "blueprint" for my "sentence" including these familiar themes:
1. You are worthless.
2. You are a dirty, little fucker.
3. You are responsible.
4. You are guilty.
5. You will never be "clean" again.
6. You are going to Hell.
7. Your talents and body are worthless.
8. Nobody will ever love you.
9. You deserve every affliction that has ever happened to you.
10. Whatever you do will never be "enough".
And on and on. A life sentence without parole. And over time with the aid of alcohol, drugs, toxic relationships and self abuse I set out to "match" this definition of myself. A long and arduous descent into Hell.
I am no stranger to abuse. Self abuse. I have done this well. It has nearly cost me my life. With the help of intense medication, Vipassana courses, therapy, Bikram yoga, A Course in Miracles and a very kind, supportive and loving older sister, I can safely say I am living a life far from what the "abused mind" wanted for me.
I also call it Divine Grace.
I have never asserted myself to be this whole and upstanding human Being. I have hurt many people in my journey here. Just not in the manner and way that he is describing.
I am open to that as well. I will take responsibility if another human Being asserts that I have abused them in the past. I would never wish my journey on anybody. Including the people who have harmed me in the past.
The true "gift" of his comments to me were that it explained how I came to believe the abuse was all "my fault" and how I grew into it. Imagine a 4 year old having to carry this around like a toy truck.
I also no longer believe the "abused mind".
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."
Oh, one more thing. You have had this life long feeling of being responsible and not in control That has ended.
"You are Now in control and NOT responsible..."
Posted by: I M Perfect | February 15, 2012 at 08:36 PM
Awesome, for being brave enough to once again seek for the truth in reality. In going back to the 'children' of your youth. To ask them... you didn't have to...and yet you did.
When your life has been lived as a text book version of self abuse. Destroying your self for their(offenders) innocence...waiting for them to declare you are good enough.
A life without parole for sure.
I love how reality is always kinder in its harsh reality...how it is correct, only but 100% of the time...how it is the ultimate ruler.
Minds can change and do a switchback, sway and wiggle and twist...but reality remains rock hard, unforgiving in all its glory. I love that! I trust that. I seek always to find that hardness to stand upon. Realty is God.
It has been an honor and a privilege to be your enlightened witness. I have not witnessed a man NOT wanting the truth, but one who is relentless in his pursuit.
You have indeed conquered your self! You went down every path to its end to find out at last what your truth is. Not one lesson did you pass up.
Rest in peace....you won, you are free. Free to be the man you were meant to be...out beyond the ravages of an abused mind.
Posted by: I M Perfect | February 15, 2012 at 08:30 PM