A Pocket Full of Mumbles

The recent flurry of activity on different blogs about "ending" the discussion on sexual, emotional and physical abuse/religion of origin/pedophiles had me wondering about whether a person is "healed" or not.   Can the "abuser" be the one to claim this right?  Do they determine (or an assigned program/state/government/psychologists/church/religion) when the affliction/addiction/compulsion/dysfunction is healed?

I wanted to know the definition of healing:

heal   (hl) v. healed, heal·ing, heals v.tr. 1. To restore to health or soundness; cure. See Synonyms at cure. 2. To set right; repair:  healed the rift between us. 3. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness. v.intr. To become whole and sound; return to health.

 "Setting right; repair" is posited for the benefit of the abuser (and those uncomfortable with) and to the detriment of the victims long, arduous, journey towards healing.  The victim(s) are then placed in a situation of "forgiving" the abusers or risk looking like they are not a "playing" their part in the healing/forgiving process.

I remember a Dr. Phil episode where a cheating husband was "tired of talking about his affair with another woman" with his wife.  Dr. Phil responded unequivocally that his wife has the right to talk about this affair "when and until" she believes you (the husband) gets it.

My own family of origin/FALC/Christians also wants to stop talking about anything pertaining to our dysfunctional family. As does my father (pedophile) and religious mother. One sister "dealt" with "it" in the morning and went right to work.  Done and over. Imagine that.  An instant "healing" of the highest order.

My parents favorite answer to the tough and intense questions were always, "I don't remember".   How convenient and repulsive.  It seemed they were a million miles away from their own household and their own children.  Perhaps I have a second set of "ghost parents" that were in our home growing up.  Maybe from another church.

I wonder in my own journey if I had been "assigned/ordered/pressured into my first Vipassana Meditation course or Bikram yoga practice.  How open minded would I have been to their intense program and guidance?  I think I would have done what was necessary to "prove" my sanity to anyone who questioned it.

I practice these techniques because I need them for my own personal growth and to heal the egregious results of sexual abuse.  The pain was so intense I needed to find a practice that could reach into the depths of my subconsciousness and pull out the suffering and put me on a path to healing and recovery.

It has.

An abuser could not do this for me.

I can see why they would want this to be over and done with and never have to "look behind".  To be as Rumi says:

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”

This "field" in my experience is beyond an idea or beliefs and resonates full of integrity, honesty and an open heart. The Universe will determine whether you are aligned with that.

Not you or I.

I love that.

 

Comments

[Carl Huhta]

Thanks Beth.

[I M Perfect]

My experience of my brother has never felt like he was a perpetrator against others. His abuse has been against himself. He leaves no path of ill will behind him. The only collateral damage is to himself. If he were to be convicted in the abuse court, if you will, it would be for continually allowing others to hurt him.

What I also know of this brother. Is he is relentless in finding the truth, fearless and filled with a strength that you can't imagine. I see a man who has worked like hell to emerge from the ravages of his own abuse upon himself and willing to sit and unhook himself. He is willing to dance with his abused mind, again and again, to find the answers of the truth. If it is there, he will find it.

What I know for sure is that he is in the pursuit of all the parts of himself that are still powerless and when he finds a piece of himself out there being manipulated, he brings it back to himself.

I have witnessed his recovery of himself and stand in complete awe.

What I don't know is why you wrote what you wrote Jim....

[Carl Huhta]

Jim,

My adult patterns (having sex with adult gay men) does not merit me being a sexual abuser. I am open to that idea but there has never been in my recollection through intense therapies and honest discussions about my childhood sexual abuse that this is true for me. Nor have the therapists suggested this or diagnosed me with this sexual dysfunction.

I also have never been accused as one (to me anyway) until your message today. The "younger" boy you referred to was actually an older abuser in the neighborhood who also molested my younger brothers. I did carry the shame of being "witness" to this and only hope they have received help for their abuse as well.

While speaking to Tom Rosemurgy (Houghton County Detective) about this incident he said its normal for children/adults to believe they will be put in jail for being "present" during sexual abuse. I have had as you now, a history of PTSD and mental instability including psychotic night terrors.

It has taken intense medications, many Vipassana retreats, A Course in Miracles, Byron Katie workshops and yoga to stop the "night terrors". I am finally in Peace.

Carl

[Jim]

Carl,

A while back, in our discussions, the name (younger boy from your neighborhood) came up. You were then paranoid for two weeks, afraid you were going to “go to jail”. You were unable to shake the fear. Also unable to admit you are a sex offender. As you said to me, “it is o.k. for you to be a sex offender, but not for me”.

A bit later you related a dream you had, you were trying to hold me accountable for sexual abuse, but in your dream you were unable to do so. One theory on dreams is that all the ‘players’ in a dream represent a part of ourselves. I believe you would like to hold accountable that part of you that is (was?) a sex offender, but as your dream showed you, you are unable to do so.

One time I explained a professional theory to you, regarding healing from sex abuse, in that one must work on their offending prior to working on survivor issues, or else one simply will not heal at all. This theory had you so upset, you responded with “What makes them the arbiter on healing! How can they decide what someone works on!” I am quite sure it hit way too close to home for you.

Carl, you have explained to me what happened in your neighborhood growing up. All the boy on boy sex abuse. You have agonized over bringing your own younger brother over to the ‘shack’, only to see him be sexually abused, as you were. It was a real hard time for you, Carl, feeling responsible for bringing your little brother over to get abused. You have agonized to me, saying “I don’t remember sexually abusing anyone, I hope I didn’t, I don’t think I did.”

But yet, you continue to project your (sex offending) guilt onto me. You are better than that , Carl. It is not a way of healing oneself. It is only a way to remain stuck.

Carl, when you blog about Carl, when you stand in your truths and speak of Carl, you are a wonderful writer. When you stray from that, you are less than you can be.

Your Friend, Jim

[I M Perfect]

I love the song you picked. "A man still hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest..."

The abuse is over when the last person in the family dies. It isn't over when the one who began the abuse decides it. They have handed it down to the generations below and they in turn accept it as love and pass it on to their children. Perhaps the perp is done doing the damage, but the damage goes on to live a damaged life.

A string that runs through the family, until you cut the ties. Until you decide to be the one to stop the abuse. It will take estrangement....there is no other way.
You have to leave the bad cells of the disease....and stop feeding the disease and turn towards your own power.