I sometimes believe from time to time that I am healed. I'm not sure if and when I will be healed but it feels like it always right about now or I just haven't recognized it just yet. It's not really out of arrogance, but an erroneous assumption I make.
My therapist and our partners show us otherwise.
Recently my therapist pointed out to us in couples therapy, that the dysfunctional family that I grew up with was influencing my current behavior. I felt the sudden rush of shame and immediately I began to doubt that I had anything to offer another human being.
I sat there stunned in silence and anxiety.
I was stunned that these old, uninvited ghosts were arriving to stake claim yet again on my sense of Being. A repeated record that had been indelibly scratched on my psyche. A fatal flaw of sorts.
How can this still be there?
When will I ever be free to express and receive love open and joyously?
My therapist and I completed an EMDR session on this and I was surprised to find that I had a hidden belief that I am not worthy of love and a adult relationship. It seemed to match the shame I felt.
We dug deeper and I was asked to close my eyes and find a memory of when this felt like this in the past. My mind immediately drifted back into our old house and into the sauna with my Uncle. This twisted scene that I thought I had dealt with and processed.
There was more to be unraveled and the hidden belief sat there like I did as a boy. What I had discovered was correct. The belief stood in tact. I was unworthy of love an adult relationship in my mind. We worked it loose and I then I went looking for proof in my current life.
My behaviors of receiving and giving love was directly influenced by this belief. I felt a sudden sense of relief as my body and chakra's relaxed. I finally had an answer why I could not just relax into a relationship.
I was holding myself and my inner child to a belief that was no longer true.
What I've come to realize and feel is that life brings to us these moments to set us free. I used to see them as an act of war and the other person the enemy. That war is over.
Now I will focus on the present moment and bring my new understanding to my partner and feel the love wash over me.
I am worth it.