"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." Maya Angelou.
This quote I found today is the story of most of my Life. This had been my story. This blog has been a way of telling my story. One word at a time. One moment or feeling. Mixed and confused emotions would pour out of me. Voices will spill out their Truths and I would try to find out which ones matched Reality. I could not find it on my own. I had become lost in my Mind.
The Reality as I had experienced it in my Mind did not match the Reality where my body was. The Reality my body was living in was the Truth but I could not tell the difference.
I had become indifferent to pain. I was the pain I had split into two. Mind and Reality. My Mind had me both ways. When it was good it was bad and when it was bad it was good. Which one was true?
My Mind would terrorize me. Taunt me. Humiliate me. Find ways to bring other people into my life that matched my Mind perfectly. Confusion ruled. It ruled what I did and said and where I went. It did not matter how much it hurt me or at what cost.
With the help of many hours of Bikram yoga, Vipassana Courses, Indian Sages, Meditation, Art, Blogging, I have finally been able to find Self Awareness. A state of Being that cannot be taught or learned. It happens when it does and according to its own Universal laws.
I do not own it. I am not a teacher of it. I can not give it to you. It is you. Only "you" have to experience it for yourself before you can understand it's implications on your Life. It is changing the way I am with Everything.
I recently picked up a paint brush and started to paint again. I love that when it wants to create. I always agree when it feels right. I can almost feel myself chasing after it.
I could feel the colors wanting to placed down in certain patterns and my Mind wanting to "interfere" with the process. It would always leave my painting in a "walking contradiction". The Mind would try to hide the Truth and the paint brush would want to TELL the truth with my feelings as a "intuitive guide".
My sister kindly explained to me today what True Art is: The Truth. It's about bearing your "untold story" with a medium that feels right for you. The agony becomes consumed by the process itself. Healing you from the inside out.
I also love this quote that echo's this definition: "When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when somethings suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. Barbara Bloom