Messy Guru

Giving Like Christmas

I spent yesterday going through my closet and getting rid of suits, shirts, ties, sweaters and anything that no longer fit or had served its purpose over the years.  I gave them to Good Will and felt good about it.

I was walking into Walmart and gave to the Salvation Army guy with the red bucket some money and felt good about it. Their commercials on TV are especially heartbreaking and it all appears to being going to a good cause.

I was standing in line at Walmart and noticed a young boy buying Pop Tarts behind me and I watched him pulling out his tiny, little wallet to pay for it and I told the lady to put it on my bill.  My mind had stories of him eating these for breakfast and "there is no food at home" so I paid for it.  It may or not have been true but I felt good about it.  He stood in awe and shook my hand and wished me a Merry Christmas.  

I had dinner with friends and I bought a bouquet of flowers and a chocolate cake.  I felt good about it.  They cooked a delicious meal and we are truly good friends.  It is mutual respect and kindness and I didn't feel obligated but happy to do so.

I am also serving a 10 day Vipassana course next week.  I donate my time and energy and I feel good about it.  It is a "selfless" type of giving to people you don't know and I seem to "get" more out of it than they do.  

"I feel good about it"  seems to be the theme for my giving. It seems I am "giving" for reasons that do not seem to be from a place of neutrality.  Meaning there seems to another "hidden agenda" hiding and lurking underneath my extended hand.  I wanted to know my intention and purpose of my "giving" and how it came to be so "me" centered. 

 Elizabeth Gilbert writes in the December's issue and article called, "Confessions of an Over-giver" in O Magazine:

"Now, over-giving is not quite the same thing as generosity. Generosity is neither entangling nor aggressive, because the generous person doesn't expect anything in return.  The over-giver doesn't expect anything in return, either--except to be petted and feted and praised and loved unconditionally for the rest of time (and maybe you'll even stand up at my funeral and tell everyone what a wonderful person I was) so that's not emotionally loaded.  Nothing toxic there!"

...."Years ago, in India, a monk warned me, "Never give anyone more than they are emotionally capable of receiving, or they will have no choice but to hate you for it" At the time, the advice sounded cynical, even cruel.  It certainly flew in the face of Christianity's highest charitable ideals, as famously expressed by Mother Teresa:  "Give until it hurts."  But these days, I've come to believe that when you give heedlessly or with an agenda, you actually can give until it hurts, and that person who is most gravely injured in the exchange is the other guy."

I honestly never thought of it that way.  It seemed counter intuitive and in direct opposition to the way I was raised.  In hindsight I had learned to give to family members that were "struggling" and "having a hard time" as my mother so clearly and aptly pointed out.  It seemed like I could also win "approval" from her by doing so. 

I was also covering up for my parents lack of "parenting skills" and it was my "job" to give until it "hurts" and/or so I could win their approval as a "giving and loving" son.

I am the guilty party here.

I could have said no.  It might have served everybody in the long run.  They could have found their "path" and "got" their lessons without my over-giving and for me to "feel good about it" attitude.  And in the end nothing really changed.  

I am going to give from a place of "neutrality" and without a selfish agenda and I am more than willing to allow you or anybody to "get" the lessons that we all have come to the Earth to learn.

I won't be mean about it, but I may do nothing in the way of "over-giving" and honor your chosen path.  It's the way I learned to "give" to myself and others and learned to become self empowered in the process.

I more than likely will still give to others.  It will come from a place of generosity.  

  

Ripple in the Water

I use the word Karma quite frequently.  I actually hated the word for the longest time.  It seemed I was getting in "spades" the end result of a life lived unconsciously.  I wanted to know the definition:

"1. Hinduism & Buddhism The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny."

Yikes.

I clearly remember when I discovered this little known "secret".  It was in California in 2003.  I could feel the entire "structure" of my subconsciousness coming to the surface. And it wasn't pretty.  Or anything mystical.  It shook my body in terror.  My mind was holding on for dear life.  And I went running for the hills.  

I was simply no match for my "Karma".  Everything was coming home to roost.  My Reality had broken through to the surface.   I had simply crumbled into a pile of broken words and stories.  Nothing stood still.  Even the air seemed out of reach and empty.

David Hawkins writes in his book, "Power vs Force":  

"Moreover, the universe doesn't forget.  There are many sides to the question of karma, but every choice of who and how to be is a choice of great consequence, as all of our choices reverberate through the ages.  Thousand of reports of near-death experiences, as reflected in such bestselling books as Dannion Brinkley's "Saved by the Light" or B. J. Eadie's "Embraced by the Light" (which calibrates at 595), confirms that we shall eventually have to accept responsibility for every thought, word and deed we generate, and will re-experience exactly the same suffering we've caused.  It's in this sense that we each create our own heaven or hell."

"The universe holds its breath as we choose, instant by instant, which pathway to follow; for the universe, the very essence of life itself, is highly conscious.  Every act, thought, and choice adds to a permanent mosaic;  our decisions ripple through the universe of consciousness to affect the lives of all.  Lest this idea be considered either merely mystical or fanciful, let's remember that fundamental tenet of the new theoretical physics:  Everything in the universe is connected with everything else."

"Our choices reinforce the formation of powerful M-Fields, which are the attractor patterns that influence others whether we wish them to or not.  Every act or decision we make that supports life supports all life, including our own. The ripples we create return to us--this, which may once have seemed a metaphysical statement, is now established as scientific fact."

"Everything in the universe constantly gives off an energy pattern of a specific frequency that remains for all time and can be read by those who know how.  Every word, deed and intention creates a permanent record.  Every thought is know and recorded forever.  There are no secrets; nothing is hidden, nor can it be.  Our spirits stand naked in time for all to see--everyones life, finally, is accountable to the universe."

Well, now you tell me.  I would not have been "convinced" to change course prior to that event.  All was well.  I was pretty sure I had done a reasonable job of living my life according to most human standards.  

And then the Universal Law of Karma kicks in.  Shoot.  I thought I could just quit talking about it and it would disappear into thin air--like magic or be "forgiven" away. Gone.  Like a ripple in the water. 

My sister and I discovered today the full meaning of the word realize:  "1.  To comprehend completely or correctly." I think I just realized what the word Karma means.  And it doesn't always mean I am completely free.

Just a bit kinder.

 

Shining Down Like Water

I had a melancholic and dream-like sort of a day.  It seemed to be a carry over from the night before.  Tossing and turning with dreams of people from my past.  Hopelessly trying to either stop them from hurting me or I am trying to untangle myself from their upending lives.

Some nights my dreams carry on forever.  They seem to bleed from one story line unto another.  Endlessly tiring.  My mind seems to want to play out the stories.  Emptying out the remains of the day or weeks.  Or even years.

I also remember a dream I had where I could not tell the difference between this reality and the dream "reality".  I was keenly aware of this fact and told my dreamer so.

I love these types of experiences.  They seem to make sense and put everything into a perspective.  I found this quote by Nisaragadatta to help explain why I am drawn to these experiences:

"Words betray their hollowness. The real cannot be described, it must be experienced. I cannot find better words for what I know. What I say may sound ridiculous. But what the words try to convey is the highest truth. All is one, however much we quibble. And all is done to please the one source and goal of every desire, whom we all know as the ‘I am’."

It often leaves a person like me sounding "ridiculous" and you could safely "quibble" with just about anything I assert. There really is no basis or "proof" for my way on the planet. It is the "road less traveled" as the author M. Scott Peck says.

It's also comforting.  Not to be with the rest of the pack. Singing falalala and the sorts.  I am not sure why.  It just is. Perhaps the world needs people like me.  Boundlessly moving about with a queer disposition.  Seemingly tied to a very thin, Golden thread that is attached to it all.  I just marvel at the levels of consciousness.  The witnessing of people moving about quietly in determined states of mind.

I hope your right about everything you believe in your mind.

I trust my experience nonetheless.  

  

The Great Misunderstanding

I completed my Financial Peace University 13 week course tonight.  It is a course offered by Dave Ramsey and sponsored by the Church of Christ in Mesquite, Texas near my home.  I found many parts beneficial and sometimes I was left speechless.

The course and Dave would often quote from the Bible and Jesus Christ.  It seemed odd to mix money and religion in one class.   Sometimes the quotes would be strange and from a time long ago and others seemed to be not consistent with the lesson.  

The teacher in my class would also quote from the Bible and it also felt hollow and empty.  Perhaps because he never brought in his own experience of the passage or other classmates would just sit in silence.  We never had an "adult" conversation about the Bible or Jesus during the 13 week course.  

It was presumed to be the Truth and the Way for them.  I at first thought it would be a great place to learn about their "faith" and how they come to believe in their religion.  It seems that they kinda sorta fell into it and will not share in the excitement or fellowship with a person asking pointed questions about their Jesus and Bible.

It also felt like they were ok with me not "getting" it and were just as content to let me walk away with my questions not answered or at least heard.  

I also wondered if somebody came to me in earnestness about anything in my life that I am excited about or "believed" in and started asking "detailed" questions would I be the same way.  

Or.

Would I spend as much time as possible explaining how I came to see the world and how my experiences shaped them?  I want to believe I would do the latter.  I know that my experiences and my actions matter.  My words, ah...not so much.  

They have words.  And very little enthusiasm.  They speak words with little or no understanding.  It's almost like watching people pronounce big words and believing they know the experience of them as well.

Our last lesson was called, "The Great Misunderstanding". It was mostly about tithing.  I had to go and make sure I knew what the definition was:  "A tax or assessment of one tenth." This is to be given mostly to the "church" and can also be used as a tax write off.  Why churches need this much money is something of a mystery to me.

 Dave Ramsey also mentioned that the Evangelical church members in the American give the least at 2.1 percent of their income.  I believe I gasped out loud with this realization. These types of "mega" churches are the most political and vocal about many controversial issues in America and I thought they were leading by example.

Ah.......not so much according to Dave.

I am still digesting the last 13 weeks.  Puzzled again by people quoting Jesus and holding a Bible in their hands.  Perplexed on how they see the world and why their actions appear to be fearful and scattered.  I wondered why I did not see Joy in their eyes and a believable personal truth and experience of their Lord and Savior.

Perhaps its none of my business.

It does leave me free to pursue my own path and express my own experiences on the planet and with God.  I just don't have a lot of people asking either.   

  

O Holy Night

I came home today from work and found myself feeling empty.  This strange feeling of wanting something and not getting it.  I wanted to know what "it" was.  It felt familiar yet illusive.  Ethereal.  And heavy with expectations that this special something would complete me.

But nothing did.

I kept looking around myself and house for that "special" something.  It's here somewhere.  I know it.  My go to thingamajig.  Yeah, that.  Something spicy, sugary and nice. But not too, too much.

Just enough.

It felt panicky.  And familiar.  And out of my reach.  And right on the tip of my tongue and mind.  Swirling around my head and body.  Finding its way to my recognition.  And down through my memories.

Ah.  

There it is.

"I am lonely" I hear myself say.

"Feel it" a voice echos.

And so I lie down on my couch and wait.  And it comes up through my spine in a bone crushing roar.  Pow.  And does it hurt.  Piercing my heart.  Arching my back.  I immediately bend into a child like pose.  Feeling the entire force of its impact.  Knocking the wind out of my chest.  Pushing up like an exploding star.  Leaving me breathless.

Blue like the colors of fire.

White like a sting.

Crazy like desire.

And beautiful like a moment.

Any moment.

Without a story.

Is beautiful.

And crushing.

I let the waves of loneliness crash down on me.  I wondered where they have been.  I have been alone.  Its the feelings that were absent.  It makes sense that they are together again.  

It thrusts itself again.  Surges and falls.  Crashing like thunder and lightening.  I wait for the impending roar.  Like winter.  And cold.  And frost.  And the swell of recognition.

It dances and moves.  

And flirts with disaster.

And begs me to dance with it.

"Come" it seems to say.  

"Do what you must" I say.

So we dance.

Back and forth.

In a perfect Swan dance.  

I feel oddly protected.  And awake.

And amazed.

At something so Holy.

As a moment.

Like this.

And I patiently wait.  For its encore.

Only Silence reigns Supreme.

 

Circle of Life

Today I drove across I-30 in East Texas in search of a group of nursing homes and hospitals that I call on as part of my job as a medical sales rep.  It's not a glamorous job but necessary one nonetheless.  A type of trip I take quite often and it often leaves me time to think and sing along with my XM Radio in the cab of my Ford F-150.

I drove through Greenville, Texas.  I found myself thinking of my father who lives there.  His latest picture in my mind.  I felt myself physically gagging up a lot of emotional and dark energies.  I wonder why he is still living on the planet.  I wonder about the brother who keeps him alive and fed.

My road kept moving on past him and the ghosts of my past. It feels vacant and empty.  I ride past Commerce, Texas. The first time I saw my spiritual teacher Byron Katie at a workshop.  I laugh out loud at my ineptness trying to do the "Work".

I find myself in front of my first point of call.  My sister is on the phone and we are discussing my last blog on inertia.  I again I feel this intense gagging.  Whirling emotions and the frightening feeling of being held in captivity by this "powerful force".  

It's my abuser.  I am back again to being a four year old. Back in the sauna with my smelly and old Uncle Russell. The place where I was placed into a disembodied state.  

Powerless.

Ground Zero.

I recognize that my life has been showing me in every way possible the end result of me being paralyzed by sexual abuse, while I was simultaneously "waiting" for Life to bring my power back to me.  

Impossible.

The Universe cannot move while in a state of powerlessness.  It's been waiting on me.  To connect all of the dots.  To put the last piece of the puzzle in place. Bringing me back over and over.  In many ways and in every conceivable situation and the right players placed perfectly in front of me to "get" it.

"Getting it" in my experience means I have to be placed right back to the moment the light was extinguished. Snuffed out.  A bucket of sauna water dumped over a little blond headed kid. The embers of the fire extinguished.

I am holding my breath from the steam.  Hoping that a "rescue" from a second visit to the sauna will be prevented and stopped.  I've been doing that all of my life.

While living out the same experience of the sauna in Reality. Except my Mind tells me that I don't have to go back and do this.  I can ignore the signs of my failed life.  The smoke signals from the past.  The burning timbers of today.  

Nope.

"It's not going to happen again.  I say belligerently.

Even if its happening.

It's not happening.

Even if I am/was sexually attracted to "older men".

Nope.

Even if I was anxious, addicted, compulsive, depressed, had big signs of post traumatic stress syndrome, in therapy, and on medication.

Nope.

I am past all of that.  I have "processed" it.  Damn it.  It's not happening.  Even if I cannot breathe and I am still gagging up the steam from that experience.  I gag again.  

It feels like a hidden pocket of "steam" is being released and it feels awful and wonderful all at the same time.  The "powerless" steam slowly evaporating from my insides. 

I drive on to my next appointment.  A smelly and old nursing home.  It's the type of home that most old people fear of being placed in when they think of one.  A crotchety, old lady with awful, blue eye shadow grumbles in my direction. I wonder again, why these places have the smell of abuse all over them.  Hiding in plain sight.  

Neglect.

Abuse.

Confusion.

As I leave this dilapidated place it dawns on me.  I keep walking into places that are exactly like my abuse.  They all match.  Right down to the smelly and old men.  

I laugh out loud with this realization.  The kind of laugh that you would think was "mental".  A combination of horror and awe.

"Wow" I say out loud.

"I get it" I say looking up towards the sky.

What I discovered today is we are walking in our past.  Even if we we think otherwise.  The signs are all there.  It's persistently not going anywhere.  Each "missed" clue brings more Karma and pain.  More frustration and sadness. More abuse.  Weaving stories of denial and lies all over Reality.  Playing against the game of Life.

The drive home was a celebration of sorts.  I even bought a Mountain Dew and some M&M's.  I marveled at the wisdom of this Great Universe and its perfect synchronicity.  

"Thank you" I whisper.

 I also left the memories of my abuse and my smelly, old and dead Uncle smoldering in that awful place.  A place that I have been living in for most of my life.  There is no room left inside of me for his kind.

Here ya go old man.

It's all yours.

 

Running Still

I found myself struggling in a state of inertia yesterday morning.  It felt like a unknown force was pushing down on me powerfully.  It was strange to sit and observe the effects of it.  Watching my body not moving.  Watching my mind holding me in a frozen state of suspension.  

I wanted to know what was causing this state of Being.  I thought of the word inertia this morning while speaking with my sister.  We wanted to know the meaning:

(ĭ-nûr'shə) 
n.

1. Physics. The tendency of a body to resist acceleration; the tendency of a body at rest to remain at rest or of a body in straight line motion to stay in motion in a straight line unless acted on by an outside force.
2. Resistance or disinclination to motion, action, or change: the inertia of an entrenched bureaucracy.

The "resistance" to motion is key for me.  Something inside of me is resisting change.  I also looked up the word change and part of the definition is:

"To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: change methods; change sides." To change sides.  I see now the caterpillar is being abandoned to make room for the birthing of a new beginning.  It's fighting like hell to keep itself "at rest" while the Universe pulls on its cocoon and is tearing it apart. Piece by Piece.   Awareness is the building blocks of the new way forward. There is comfort in being torn apart.  Even if the caterpillar has to be destroyed in the process.

 

 

Power vs Force

I spent the weekend attempting to jump ahead of the Universe.  Hoping I could "orchestrate" a string of events that would enable me to be "happy".  I chuckle now at the absurdity of me "forcing" it along.

I am re-reading David Hawkins book, "Power vs Force" and in it he describes this type of action:

"Man thinks he lives by virtue of the forces he can control, but in fact, he's governed by power from unrevealed sources, power over which he has no control.  Because power is effortless, it goes unseen and unsuspected.   Force is experienced through the senses; power can be recognized only through inner awareness.  Man is immobilized in his present condition by his alignment with enormously powerful attractor energy patterns, which he himself unconsciously sets in motion.  Moment by moment, he is suspended at this state of evolution, restrained by the energies of force, impelled by the energies of power."

"The individual is like a cork in the sea of consciousness--he doesn't know where he is, where he came from, or where he's going, and he doesn't know why.  Human beings wander about in their endless conundrums, asking the same questions century after century, and, failing a quantum leap in consciousness, we will continue to do so."

"One mark of such a sudden expansion of context and understanding is an inner experience of relief, joy, and awe. All who have had such an experience feel afterwards that the universe has granted them a precious gift.  Facts are accumulated by effort, but truth reveals itself effortlessly." 

The "inner experience of relief, joy and awe" was with the sudden realization that I was not in control.  It felt so good to feel this rush of Silence move into the space of "control".

I am not in control I whispered to the Universe.

You are.