Messy Guru

Love is Sexy

I received a nice compliment from a recent blog and found a website  http://www.sexual-addiction-recovery.com/  from his response.  It is the kind of "blueprint" I am looking for in my next relationship and is good to know what is considered healthy:

"Here are the 10 major differences between Healthy Sex and Addictive Sex.

1. Healthy Sex leads to feelings of well-being while Addictive Sex leads to feelings of guilt and shame.

2. Healthy Sex is sensual with real intimacy in the present moment while Addictive sex is intensity seeking and rooted in independent fantasy.

3. Healthy Sex is inspired, intuitive, and passionate while Addictive Sex is empty of these qualities and more about “chasing an orgasm” and satisfying a “need.”

4. Healthy Sex is nurturing of both physical and emotional connection while Addictive Sex is about getting high, numbing out, or escaping to fantasy.

5. Healthy Sex is loving of yourself and your partner while Addictive Sex is exploitative and selfish.

6. Healthy Sex is being emotionally vulnerable while Addictive Sex lacks emotional investment, vulnerability, or intimate connection.

7. Healthy Sex is respecting and honoring healthy sexual boundaries while Addictive Sex is often boundary less and offensive.

8. Healthy Sex is moderate and feels safe to both partners while Addictive Sex is about intensity and requires escalation to achieve arousal.

9. Healthy Sex is being curious and caring about your partner while Addictive Sex is selfish and self seeking, often leaving your partner feeling used.

10. Healthy Sex is learning to trust, being vulnerable, accepting that anxiety and awkwardness are okay, and risking being known while Addictive Sex is avoidant of emotional intimacy, about power and control, and disembodied.

Healthy sexuality is foreign to the sex addict but it is possible and worth discovering! Allow yourself the permission to learn and grow in love and intimacy.

Take the time to learn emotional intimacy first and know that a shift from preoccupation with addictive sex to preoccupation with healthy sex is still a preoccupation with sex!  Start with loving gestures, holding hands, and talking to each other and the rest will come in time."

Reading the list for me was eye opening and educational.  I am particularly intrigued that "healthy sex is foreign".  I should be quite the "foreigner" going forward.

 

Step By Step

Today I felt like a bit of a James Joyce paragraph:

“He lived at a little distance from his body, regarding his own acts with doubtful side-glances. He had an odd autobiographical habit which led him to compose in his mind from time to time a short sentence about himself containing a subject in the third person and a verb in the past tense.” 

Odd and familiar.

I am sometimes surprised I am living in this body and life. Parts of my history hidden from myself.  Restless and unruly. Like a tangled spool of thread. Unwinding in its own confused way.

While sitting in my Excel class today and placing formulas into tiny boxes on spreadsheets, I suddenly fell upon the blueprint of a tangled formula.    The sequence was out of order.  Numerical mumble jumble.  It pointed to Reality instead.  Off the spreadsheet and into my body.

This tangled up formula was me.  Hidden beneath the answer.  In Excel you can have formulas that are either an "absolute" or "relative".  One formula remains fixed as the cells change and the other can change.

This particular formula was placed in me at the age of 4.  I believed it to be an unconscious  "absolute".  I had no teacher or ability to discern its truth and consequences.  It's program was running the psyche and mind.  Spitting out the wrong answers to the right questions. By hitting the enter key I ended up with the same answer each and every time.

Except.

I have pulled out the formula and held it up into the Light and have looked closely at its tightly held numerical sequence. Brilliant in its application.  Deadly in its execution.

This time the "formula" was caught before the CPU could spit out the same old tired answer.  The "formula" looked like this:

=Sum(Unclemolestslittleman)+(FALC*guilt+shame)-(self-esteem)+(large-family-love-peace-joy)

Caught in mid air.  Like a tear that could be either of joy or pain.  Intriguing.  David Hawkins writes about "catching" these types of moments:  

"The mind automatically assumes that it is continuously aware of reality, and it is unaware that what it considers to be reality, is actually own presumptive inner processing function that has been termed the 'experiencer' (Hawkins, 2000-2006).  Thus the data has already been automatically processed and edited via ego mechanisms within 1/10,000th of a second that have thereby added or subtracted value, meaning, and importance as well as emotional tone and shadings of memory and significance.  What the ordinary mind presumes to be "truth" is actually a processed composite of thousands of variables of differing degrees with superimposed editing, selection, distortion, and emotionalized, preferential evaluation. This editing is done unconsciously in 1/10,000th of a second and is not eliminated or bypassed until one reaches Enlightenment (cal. 600 and above.)"

The "formula" did not need to be entered into the mind.  The body already had the answer and the image.   A pivotal moment.   A game changer.  If I went with the "program" I would fall into the level of falsehood below the 200 threshold on the Map of Consciousness.  Or I could begin to "make sense" and have access to a higher energy field.

What the "formula" clearly shows is an innocent "little man" with an "adult" formula implanted in his mind.  His complex spreadsheet with numbers and formulas to confuse the lay of the land.  The body moved left when the logical move would be right.  The formula moved the body and held captive the mind. 

I can now move freely about making "adult" decisions for my mind and body.  With the Freedom to look closely at viruses and formulas from my past.  

Step by Step.  Bit by Bit. 

Into The Mystic

This past week I have felt the intense desire and longing to be fulfilled and complete.  It seemed to have its own energy system traversing beneath me.  It's own eco system of sorts.  Riding along silently with me like an unwanted passenger.  Depleting my energy system and draining my vital, life force energy.  A ghost rider.

David Hawkins articulates this beautifully when he writes:

"Letting go of desiringness allows the experience to be completely a state of oneness and contentment.  Each moment seems to be arising spontaneously of its own.  Within the embrace, the experience is happening spontaneously. It is like we are a participant in the unfolding of a movie.  This happens because one has owned oneself back as source.  Instead of putting the experience outside of our self as something to get, we have owned it as something that we are.  It is our way of being with that way about ourselves.  The experience comes from within; therefore, there is no gap between what we are and the experience."

"From the lower energy field, we experience ourselves as separately "here", and that which we desire is over "there".  The desire is then pictured as somehow coming across, reducing the distance and the space, but there is always that feeling of space between what we think we are and what we want.  Our desiringness and what we want are dualistically separated as the subject and the object. As we let go and become free of that, we experience life as spontaneously unfolding of it.  We begin to have reverence for the nature of this experience.  It becomes like a state described by the mystics."

" What is a mystic?  It is a person who has really let go of that desiringness and is experiencing completeness and totality from second to second, and within it, the exquisite beauty and reverence, and sacredness.  Now the relationship becomes an expression of that which is sacred, and there is the enjoyment of the exquisite sense of aliveness.  It is as though we have transcended the world.  How has it done that?  It could be said that the world is that which is constantly changing, that which begins, that which is limited, and that which limits us.  If we identify with it, it then limits our experience to that local wanting and craving.  If we let go of that, then the energy field that begins to come through the heart and unite us with that other person in this spontaneous joyfulness means that we have really transcended the world because now the energy that we are experiencing is infinite."

By allowing the "neglected" little boy inside to be seen, heard and felt has allowed this "desire" to lesson and it is slowly draining from my system.  And it feels, Oh so soft and easy.

Nice.

 

 

 

 

Neglecting My Innocence

I came to the stunning (and quite obvious) realization that I was neglected as a child.  This neglected state and environment left me in a constant state of craving, wanting and desiring.  I wanted what any other child growing up needs and wants.  Unconditional Love.  From a parent that is willing and able to provide it.  Without conditions.

Yesterday the effects of this caused a delayed reaction of sorts and had me in the throws of all three.  It was bewildering, perplexing and puzzling.  The ghosts of my past came rushing in to be filled.  Instantly and immediately.  

Like right now.  Without further delay.  Now.  

Part of the definition of neglect is "habitual lack of care".  I am stunned I could not see this.  Even now.  To acknowledge meant I would then have to FEEL what that was like as a child.  Nobody is there.  They were lost and absorbed in the constant activity of "busyness" and mental and emotional despondency.

This setup my psychological makeup of craving, wanting and desiring.  I needed to be seen and heard.   And mostly loved as an innocent boy.  Unconditionally.  It is natural part of growing up.  Without it I grew the deep roots of this unnatural "neediness" and "begging" for attention.  

Attention did come to me.  It was from sexual predators. This became my "way" to receive "love" and "attention". How revolting and unsettling.  And this pattern has played itself out like a song from the deepest part of the darkest world.  In me.  Left unattended and watered by the sands of time.

The intriguing part of this discovery is that it has lead me back to my innocence.  The little boy in the red sweater. Programmed to fail.  To crave, want and desire.  All the elements of an addicted soul.  Left alone to figure out the way forward.  

I can see clearly now the reason I grew up to be such a dysfunctional adult.  It was programmed into me by my parents, religion, environment and the "mind" ran away with it.  Hoping I could never clearly see the roots of a system designed to keep one in paralysis and fear.

This craving, wanting and needing also brought up guilt and shame.  It was now tied to abuse and responsibility for it all. My needs were put aside for the needs of others.  I also kept my "needs" aside to keep the shame and guilt from resurfacing.  A mad dance from the mind and body.  The innocent boy was left in the middle of an impossible world.

Holy Cow.

David Hawkins writes about this conundrum as such:

Desire is an energy level, 125.

"Frustration is associated with desiringness, wantingness, and then anger and pridefulness about sexuality.  This is demonstrated by strutting ones macho 

image or sticking out ones feminine attributes in a prideful, tantalizing, seductive, kind of controlling, manipulating, and exploiting way, aka Hollywood.

"The marketing industry utilizes this - the desiringness, frustration, lack, and feeling of separation and attempts to control and manipulate people.  There is a pretty

girl on the hood of a car, but what does a car have to do with a pretty girl?  The advertisement is trying to connect the two.  If I get this car or shampoo, or hair-do, or

if I wear this perfume, then I will overcome this separation between me and what I desire."

"That point of view then creates an endless painfulness and source of suffering. The suffering takes various forms, such as impotence, frigidity, sadism, or even violence.

They arise from holding sexuality from the view of its physicalness, desiringness, and lustful wantingness.  One can see why so many people are run by that."

"Because the nature of this energy field of Desire, the accompanying emotions are this of wantingness, greed and cravings, leading to an addiction of sex.  Sexuality runs the sexually obsessed.

 

Sexual obsession/compulsion results in the endless promiscuity of going to bed with anyone available and arises from the need to prove ones desirability."

"On the right side of the Map of Consciousness, one can see that the process going on in consciousness at this energy level is that of entrapment.  Within consciousness at this level, 

once a person wants something, that wanting begins to dominate. The desiringness and wantingness runs the person.  Temporary gratification fails to suffice because

of the negativity of the field, and leads to endless frustration, wanting, and craving.  There is no completion, no feeling of finality, and no feeling of happiness; there are only enslavement and sexual addiction."

I understand now how I could have been nothing other than this "heat seeking missle".  The logical conclusion of neglect.

And by knowing, understanding and feeling this sets me free.

Healing and Recovery

I am reading David Hawkins book, "Healing and Recovery" and in it he describes the way forward from illness to healing:  

"The actual healing of the physicality of the illness is letting go of resisting the inner physical experience of it without any  mental label.  At the same time, in fact, we begin to cancel the mental label and replace it with the truth.  We cancel by affirming, "I no longer believe in that.  I am an infinite being, and I am not subject to that.  I am only subject to what I hold in mind."

"What does it mean to be "an infinite being and not subject to that"?  It means we are only limited by our belief systems, and if we let them go, what takes their place?  If form is removed from consciousness, what is left?  The formless is left, and the inner experience of it is infinite, without boundaries, without beginning or end.  The formless is the essential nature of consciousness itself and is unlimited.  If we place a limitation or interject form, then we subject our self to what we are holding in mind.  To replace it, we consciously cancel it by saying, "I cancel any belief in duodenal ulcers," or asthma, or whatever the illness might be.  We then say, "I'm subject only to that which I hold in mind.  I am an infinite being, and in truth, I am not subject to that.  And that is a fact."

"When we muscle test that statement, we find it to be true.  If we test a person and they say, "Cancel.  I am not subject to that.  I am an infinite being and subject only to what I hold in mind," we will see that they instantly go strong, indicating that this is a statement of the truth.  Consequently, when we replace that which is false with that which is true, healing occurs."

..."The minute we tell the truth, the energy field at the level of Courage (meaning to tell the truth that we are an infinite being and subject only to what is held in mind) instantly puts us above the line at level 200."

"The willingness to accept this truth lifts us up to a position to choose appreciation of the body instead of the 'make wrong' of the body; the loveliness of our life instead of the 'make wrong' of our life; the loveliness of the being that we are instead of the criticism of it."

..."If we are willing to let go of our illness, then we have to be willing to let go of the attitude that brought about the illness because disease is an expression of ones attitude and habitual way of looking at things."

"The specifics of healing a particular illness consist of (1) letting go of resisting of the sensory experience of it, (2) no longer putting names or labels on it, and (3) using no words at all.  Welcome experiencing what you are experiencing in a very radical way and at the same time (4) cancel the thought form and belief system, and (5) choose the energy field of Love, which heals."

"If we look at the basic physics of the energies involved, we can see why fear at calibration level 100 is overpowered by Love at 500 because these are exponential powers. Therefore, the power of Love is represented by 10 squared 500, whereas Fear is only 10 squared 100, a very big difference."

"To put oneself  in an energy field of 540 is to automatically heal oneself.  A loving thought then heals, and a negative thought creates illness.  Choosing to become a loving person results in the release of endorphins by the brain, which has profound effect on the body's health and happiness.  Happiness arises from the willingness to let go of that which is negative and to allow love to replace it in consciousness because essential nature of consciousness, unless it has been impaired, is lovingness.  We see this in the young child who is only innocence, and lovingness is the expression of the essence of human nature.  It is as if the child has not yet been programed to go into fear, doubt, or limitation."

Wow.

I intentionally did this while practicing Bikram yoga last night in class.  My whole body responded immediately to the effects of any limitation or belief I found in "mind".  My body was more than eager to rid itself of these "programs" and limitations of beliefs.  

At one point during the class my heart was pounding so hard I could feel the "terror" releasing itself.   I now find any discomfort or limitation to be a "good thing" during yoga.  In the past I would consider it a "weakness" needed to be overcome.

How exciting and liberating.

 

Intimacy (Into Me See)

In Michael Brown's book, "The Presence Process" he breaks down the word "intimacy" to mean "into me see". Profound and insightful.  And even harder to allow and to express.  

I found that my inner confusion and experience with sexual abuse and adult relationships to be interrelated and it has brought up fear, anxiety and feelings of extreme vulnerabilities.  And appropriately so.  

I found myself attempting to hide my past and all of its profound dysfunctions from myself and partners thinking I could fool the body into a state of intimacy.  Only to fail miserably.  Intimacy requires Truth.  The first line of "truth" is at the calibration level of energy of 200. 

David Hawkins describes sex on this subject from an energy field below 200 in his book, "Healing and Recovery" as:  

"The teaching coming out of this energy field would perceive it as negative and associated with sin and suffering for which the God of that level is the great destroyer, with the process being one of destruction, self-hatred, self-pity, and self-blame."

He goes on to explain the view of sex from an energy field of 500 and over as:

"It is now a place of lovingness and gratitude.  It is seen as an expression of nurturance, support, and healing, and that making love is a healing, forgiving act.  People who have argued and fought before now melt in the embrace, forgiving, nurturing, and healing each other.  They reaffirm each others worth and value. Now sexuality becomes a gift and an expression of love.  It eventually becomes and expression of unconditional love, joy, and celebration of one own aliveness and existence."

Wow. 

Perhaps this is what Beethoven was expressing here:

 

Note:

From Power vs Force on Social Distribution of Consciousness Levels:

"A graphic representation of the distribution of the respective energy levels among the world's population would resemble the shape of a pagoda roof, in that 85 percent of the human race calibrates below the critical level of 200, while the overall average level of human consciousness today is approximately 207.  The power of the relatively few individuals near the top counterbalances the weakness of the masses toward the bottom to achieve this overall average.  Only 4% of the world's population calibrates at an energy field of 500 or above; only 0.4 % reach 540; and the level of consciousness calibration at 600 or above is reached by only 1 in 10 million."

*Jesus, Buddha and Krishna all calibrated at 1000.  The highest possible on this Earth.

My Heart Stumbles

The last 3 days left me wondering around like a monk looking for his begging bowl.  I was confident in the bowl but not in my higher power to fill it.  I thought I could do that myself.  Using my past history as my guide.  I didn't exactly "know" I was doing it but my body was telling me in every way possible that this is was so.

Anytime I look for "love" outside of myself and with others the Universe responds in kind with a negative response from deep within my body.  Everything starts slowing down and I become lethargic and pensive.  My power starts to slowly diminish.  And then I become "dependent" on a power source that is completely unnatural:

The Ego.

Mark Nepo describes this feeling in his book called The Book of Awakening:

"Thus, we continually run into mountains and rivers, run to the farthest sea, and into the arms of strangers, all to be shaken into remembering. And some of us lead simple lives, hoping to practice how not to forget. But part of our journey is this forgetting and this remembering. It is a special part of what makes us human. So what can we do? Well, it is no secret that slowness remembers and hurry forgets; that softness remembers and hardness forgets; that surrender remembers and fear forgets."

His description of slowness is different than being in the state of powerlessness.  It surreal and light.  Each moment is savored for its delicacy.  It's richness.  And Kindness.

While running around "looking" I was using a inner map of my psyche that looked and felt like the one my father modeled for me.   Distant and elusive.  Slippery and ethereal.

Strange.

Yet familiar.

I somehow have his karma and image imprinted into what I should be looking for.  In a person.  In a man.  In a relationship.  

Yikes.

Not exactly the model I had wanted for myself.  Or thought would be a remote possibility.  But it was sitting there. Silently in my head.  Wanting this image to somehow spring forth and be the person that was like him but with none of his tendencies of a distant and foreboding persona.  Or sexual dysfunction.  

While my sisters got the worst part of him.  I got left with an image of man that could have been.  Hoping and praying he would somehow "save" the best part of himself for me.  

I would have brought this "energy" to a new partner and would had given them this unrealistic expectations that they "fill" in for all the missing parts of his absence and love.  

A never ending begging bowl.

How attractive.

Yikes.

This "fever" of sorts broke through during yoga last night and I sat stunned at this new revelation and insight.  I left my yoga class wired and walking around in a PTSD state and could feel what it was like as a kid in my position.  Looking for an adult male that could love me unconditionally and model for me what a "real" man is.  I knew my father was not this but somehow my subconscious pysche did not get the message.

I have slowly returned to my "normal" state and feel completely free of this behavioral pattern set into stone many years ago by a parent who knew no better.  He gave me what he could.  A legacy of dysfunction and an imprinting impossible to bring to any relationship and highly toxic.

I wonder how the rest of my brothers view themselves in this light.  We all had the same father.  Or lack of one.  I wonder who they look to when all else fails.  

I hope it's a strong one.

  

Complete Me

I have a few "dates" coming up over the next few days. This will be my first real attempt in a very long time to start dating again.  My intention is to meet like minded people and see what happens.  

I had to literally take last year off (and the previous years) because of heavy, mental and latent energies that kept me barely functioning.   Everything seemed entirely too much.

Way to much.

And appropriately so given my childhood.  Looking back at all my relationships with others it all can be summed up with the following words:

"When a child is sexually abused, his normal sexual development is cut short. He’s forced to be sexual on an adult’s timetable. He doesn’t get to feel his own desire, sexual orientation, or interest. Nor does he get the chance to explore sex in an age-appropriate way. He learns that desire (the abuser’s desire), is a scary, out-of-control force. The child’s first experiences of sexual arousal are linked with shame, disgust, pain, and humiliation. This makes for powerful imprinting. If the abuse was linked with affection and nurturing, the child grows up confused about the difference between affection and sex, intimacy and intrusion.” Allies in Healing by Laura Davis. 

Wow.

It is comforting and terrifying to really understand my journey through this world.  No wonder up was down and black was white.  I say comforting only in the respect that I make sense given my environment and the arrested development of my psyche and mind.

The past relationships I have been in have come from this place of low self esteem and unhealthy boundaries.  I lacked the vision and appropriate role models to provide the way forward to a healthy relationship.

I am confident I have done a lot of ground breaking work within myself to attract and develop with a partner who had done the same.  

I am also confident I will use my voice to articulate my needs and do so in a manner that will honor both of us.  It's a bit scary and exciting.  

The possibilities are endless.  I have a lot to share with another human being.  And I will be ok if I am alone for the rest of this lifetime.  I no longer need another person to "complete" me.

That is amazing.

 

17,870 Days

I am taking an Microsoft Excel 2010 continuing education course at a local college here in Dallas.  Today was spent on the basics of this powerful and useful computer program that I can use in the future.

Our teacher is a dynamic and brilliant woman who can also teach 28 other types of computer programs.  Her precision and instant memory of complex functions and easy to understand teaching style makes this class fun and engaging.  Even if its 3 1/2 hours long on Saturday.  I am already looking forward to the next level class in February.

One of the formulas she had us "plug" into a spreadsheet calculated the amount of days we have been on this earth. I was so surprised by my number I had her "redo" my formula to make sure.  The number was just astounding:

17,870 days to be exact.

I announced to the class I was very "happy" with my number.  It seemed so generous and overflowing with abundance.  The sum total of my life. Even it some of the days were living Hell.  Or days filled with endless anxiety and depression.  It still seemed overly generous.  

The days of our lives.  With all the rainy Mondays and well spent Fridays.  Or weekends filled with tasks and naps.  Or days I spent wishing for a different type of life.  It seemed I wanted my days to be the opposite than the one offered to me.

It seems selfish now to have had this view.  Like wanting the Sun to look and feel different than it does.  Or wanting the trees to grow differently.  Hoping that my Mind would one day give a big and emphatic two thumbs up for that one sacred day.

This sacred day.

Any day is sacred.  Even those boring ones or crazy and demanding days.  Or the ones we spend wishing our lives and past were anything but the way it was for us.

I wondered if people with cancer or near the end of their life see it this way or do they want to have more days?  Asking for more days in this body seem selfish to me.  I feel like I have lived a complete life.  Nothing needs to be added or taken away.  It is all perfect.  Right down to the minute.

I would be happy, fulfilled and complete if this was to be my last day.  

Honestly.  

What a gift she taught me.  LIfe for me is in this moment.  Or days.  Strung together by sleep and pivotal moments and milestones.  They all count.

I also reflected on all the "second chances" I received to get it right.  The behaviors and karma I had to work out of my mind, body and Soul.  This generous amount of time given by a loving and patient Universe filled with compassion and kindness to a very troubled Soul.

Sacred.

 

 

The Voice

I saw this beautiful sunset going down tonight from the back of my house on the patio.  The suns melts into the distance and I can see it go down in a blaze of glory.  Its bright orange hues seemed to tug at my Being and comfort my insides.

I also saw these type of wintry sunsets while attending the Vipassana course that is near my home.  I moved out here to be near this type of energy and it feels like a warm blanket wrapped around my soul.  

I remember a night last week waiting for the evening meditation in my room and feeling alone.   I could sense this feeling of being banished from the world and isolated.  A familiar feeling that I did something "wrong" somehow and was waiting to be "punished" for some untold sin.  It seemed like an odd feeling to have.   Especially at a meditation center where Silence is golden and shame nonexistent.

I remember finding my innocence and a feeling of Joy came over me.  I had nothing to fear.  There was no punishment waiting from me.  The teachers and students were kind.  I sat with the group and it was kind and loving.

Coming home this week was also kind.  The feeling of  "punishment" would arise temporarily and it would quickly disappear.  Into the sunset.   My "sins" seemed to be man made.  Out of some book.  Handed down by confused people who have never felt a true sunset.  Fearing the future and praying for a reprieve from a deity they have never met.

I marvel at the mind's ability to rob us of our Peace. Creating multiple scenarios to keep us from being one with the sunset.  I am hopelessly optimistic about the future.  It seems full of Silence and quiet moments.  

And all I have to do is Be Here Now.

It is everywhere.