I found myself with an unexpected guest today. It has been there all along with me from childhood. A composite of sorts that blended the behavioral roots of my father and mother into a unconscious "personality" in my psyche.
"It" sorta popped out from the pressure and strain of me attempting to memorize a set of instructions for some yoga postures.
An unwanted teacher and taskmaster.
It was squeezed between my "inner child" and my best intentions. Receiving the "orders" from the perfectionist mind and "whipping" my inner child without my "awareness".
It was a stunning discovery and also horrifying.
It was left in charge when neither of my parents could stand up and "parent" me in the way and manner that fosters confidence and inner growth. Alone in my head without adult supervision is the way my younger sister describes it.
Its job was to "make" the "inner child" responsible for the task of "doing enough" to "make" my biological parents "see" me. The instructions were abundantly clear: place all the burden upon the shoulders of the little boy in the red sweater. Make him guilty until either one of the parents recognize your self worth. Work him until he dies.
A mold of impossible burdens and responsibilities.
I could clearly see today all the weight of the world placed upon his young shoulders. No burden to big or too much. I am amazed he did not just completely stop moving and sit down and fall into a million little pieces.
I have fired the "petty dictator" and sent him on his way. My responsibility is to "allow" the little boy to move and grow freely. Free from the bonds and shackles of the past.
How could I have been so blind?
My responsibility is to "parent" the little boy in the red sweater in a way and manner that inspires freedom and growth in the most loving way possible.
I will do this if it takes me the rest of my life to accomplish this. You are free little boy.
Free.
I LOVE your song! Perfect. You can see yourself clearly now!
A full circle moment.
When there just is you...
You don't have to lift a finger to become something others want...you of your self are more than enough.
"I M Perfect, and it is impossible not to be."
You are free....
Posted by: I M Perfect | June 27, 2012 at 06:40 AM
YAY! Free! So beautiful...so beautiful to know.
Posted by: Leah | June 26, 2012 at 08:43 PM