I'd Rather Be

I had an extended conversation last night with a younger brother.  He often gives me updates on my brothers and there well being.  I am often emotionally removed from the conversations as though he is talking about a family that we both once knew. 

It's not intentional.  The years of silence has left a cold trail to follow.  I am mildly interested, but not invested in the outcome.  It feels like I am in the play but strangely watching it at the same time.

I realized along in the conversation that other family members have not been spared from the trauma of our family life.  They have been struggling with low self esteem and shame more than I had previously imagined.  Each "dealing" with it in ways that are both tragic and puzzling.  An extension of the chaos and confusion received in their childhoods. 

It would seem that I have had a distinct advantage.  Years of excavating my inner demons and addictions have given me a vantage point.  

A way out.

I am not saying my was is better or right. I am saying that it was right for me. 

Some have gone deeper into the darkness and others seem to have been frozen in time.  Unable or unwilling to process the devastation and the loss of the "hero" father.  I often wonder what exactly ever made him their hero.

The quote from the Gnostic Gospels kept coming into my mind today as I pondered their lives and our karma:

"If you bring forth that which is within you, then that which is within you will be your Salvation.  If you do not bring forth that which is within you, then that which is within you will destroy you."