I had a visual imprint in my mind's eye during yoga yesterday in which I could sense my "inner child" leap up and out of my body. It felt real, life-like and animated.
He was running around the yoga room waving his hands in the air excitedly and with great enthusiasm. Free from the shackles that have bound him to a life and body not of his choosing. Like a butterfly with no agenda. Allowing his spirit to decide what his next move would be.
"It is safe now" he declared emphatically.
The moments and years leading up to this pivotal event felt fiery and fierce. A burning cauldron of sorts. Each burning ember of discomfort seemed to light the bonfire hotter and higher. Squeezing out the air and light.
He was hidden beneath the rubble that Eckhart Tolle describes as the "pain body" or the "survival self". It was created in childhood to withstand the unbearable.
I realized in that moment that I had not been able or willing to bring my Truth to the Present moment. I seemed to be a great distance from events happening in front of me. It was too painful to remain there. This is how my survival self became an enigma. A persona that was without my integrity or Truth.
It was never welcomed there or anywhere.
The greatest hurdle was the mind and its infinite machinations of illogical reasoning. It seems almost inconceivable that I would believe its insane rules and false pretenses.
The key in my experience, is to allow every feeling, emotion, and perceived pain to surface. Even if you believe it will destroy you. The energy is wanting to be expunged from the body and psyche.
Denial is a game of pretend that never enters Reality.
Eckhart further elaborates:
"Identification with your mind creates an opaque screen of concepts, labels, images, words, judgments, and definitions that blocks all true relationship. It comes between you and yourself, between you and your fellow man and woman, between you and nature, between you and God. It is this screen of thought that creates the illusion of separateness, the illusion that there is you and a totally separate "other." You then forget the essential fact that, underneath the level of physical appearances and separate forms, you are one with all that is."
Thank you Beth! So true.
Posted by: Carl Huhta | June 18, 2012 at 06:46 AM
The distance between living as carl and living as Carl is a journey of a million sorrows....and you made it.
You crashed down every illusion to sit with the raw truth.
You acted. You spoke. You confronted and stood tall.
You corrected and released. You sat with addictions and overcame.
You wanted to know the truth...and you did in each relationship.
The greatest task of surviving abuse isn't the physical healing, but in rescuing the truth...and getting out from underneath the story we imprinted in our mind to survive acts of terror in childhood. It was either create a new reality OR KNOW we are not safe, there is no one to trust, and no one wants to be with our true Self.
What I find so enthralling, is in the end, or so it seems, we have to leave our whole life in order to reclaim it.
You have to die in order to live.
And do so while alive.
I am in awe of your journey.
I am honored to be a part of it.
On Father's day, you Fathered yourself by honoring your truth.
Posted by: I M Perfect | June 18, 2012 at 05:08 AM
Thanks Leah. I like the Carl and carl phrasing.
Posted by: Carl Huhta | June 17, 2012 at 09:05 PM
Once again Carl and carl, I am so honored to witness your growth. SO honored.
Posted by: Leah | June 17, 2012 at 09:00 PM