Messy Guru

So This is Christmas

I realized this evening that being alone this holiday season is not a "bad" thing.  I had a sudden shift from my mind saying "you must be wrong because you are alone" to a feeling of being filled up. Like all the way up.  To the top of my head and beyond.

Strange and comforting all at the same time.

It happened in a matter of minutes.  This feeling of completeness.  A wholeness of sorts.  Like water filled to the brim in a bucket.  Or a holiday plate filled with wonder.

I also realized I have done nothing wrong either.  To me or anybody.  A shift in perception.  A releasing of unconscious fear and guilt.  How peculiar.  Nothing is missing or needed.

I am perfectly right and ok.  

And not from a sense of trying to make it sound "better" or gritting my way past the holiday season.  Or staying "positive" for the sake of just doing that.  I also noticed that Being and acting "positive" are polar opposites.

I also feel myself moving farther away from old relationships, traditions, practices and people that no longer resonate with the deepest part of myself.  And watching myself move out like the tide that is being pulled by the moon and not wanting to struggle against the force of it all.   

Perhaps this is what my first 50 years of being on this planet was about.  Learning to Be alone and finding comfort in it.  I also remember being surrounded by a room filled with people, noises and things and feeling deeply blue and sad.

A silent voice whispered to me about 6 years ago that nobody was coming for me.  It felt awful and scary at the time.  Its mysterious meaning withheld from me until now.  

And now this "silent" night feels full of endless possibilities.

 

Surviving My Past

I realized today that I have survived my past.  I am still here in spite of it all.  My "survival" self has brought me to this point in my life.  Almost 50 years of age.  Amazing to stop and take an inventory of the pathway that lead me to this moment in my history.

I also realized that I need to let him go as well.  The war is over.  It is time to set my sights on the present moment.  He was created out of necessity and for the mind to protect itself from the cruel realities inflicted upon it.  It created an alternate one complete with its own definitions.   Words replaced abuse and addictions covered up the wounds.

I am eternally grateful for his ability to traverse these land mines and still get us here.  I can see how his reasoning and misguided intentions lead us to some dark places and also some unexpected ones.   A four year old left alone in his mind to make sense of a world that was no longer safe.  

The skies are clear now.  A wiser and more compassionate adult is here now to take over for the wounded child.  I can see he is relieved to no longer having the burden of "making sense" of a past that is not healthy.

We can now let go and allow the winds of the karma move us in the direction that will allow the seeds to grow into Awareness.  

Free.

 

 

 

Both Sides Now

I received a congratulatory card (completing Bikram Teacher Training) from my estranged mother yesterday.  In it she writes:

"Wonderful to hear you kept strong to achieve your goal.  You are missed everyday by the family.  I love you very much.  Especially your sense of humor.  Time passes quickly--don't waste it in needless thoughts.  Love, always and forever.  Mom."

My initial reaction was one of happiness and joy.  It seemed years in the making and that I had "finally" won her approval.  She can finally see me I thought.

As the day progressed and I had time to ponder the card and her words, it sat like an empty bubble that was waiting to burst.  If I just look at the words on the card, my mother and family are beautiful, kind and loving people.

When I look back at the last nine years of my experience with her, the bubble pops and I am left with only words.  I wish I could say that this "heals" everything and that I can now start again new.  

You could safely argue for her that a mother is "reaching" out to her son and that I am being unreasonable.  I probably would not argue that point with you.  She is in her limited capacity attempting to demonstrate in words her love.

I look back at the years of silence and wonder now why she is coming in with a card with glowing affirmations.  I wonder why when I was in a heap on the floor in front of her she could not say or do anything remotely close to this.  All I heard then from her was, "What about me?".  

I am no longer bitter.  I am weary of her.  I am tired of creating a mother that has not matched my reality.  I had to let my "loving" mother go in my mind.  It was too painful to keep there.  

I also remember asking her for space.  I needed time to get away from her, and her husband, and the mess they both created.  I knew I had to heal myself and walk out of that dysfunction alone.  And the space I created around me allowed me to climb out of a deep and dark hole.

So the card is true.  I am all those things.  I did that in spite of it all.  I wish her well.  I cannot afford to be hurt again by her actions and be let down.  I have come too far.  

And it would be unfair to the little boy inside who knows better.

And I am ok with that.