Messy Guru

Red Ants Dancing on My Heart

The past 24 hours felt like a ball of fire and a kind of rage  that was slowly being stoked to the level of white heat.  The kind that looks harmless and yet dangerously hot.  It felt unmanageable and out of control.  Like a wild fire with nothing but the wind of emotions swirling up in the air as proof that it is happening.  

I recognized last week how I came to be.  Today I felt what it was like emotionally and how ill prepared I was for the resistance to feeling it all.  The unexpected surprise of the sting and the subsequent rage.  The helpless feeling of wanting it to go away and at the same time wanting it to be over.  I knew it would stay and simmer until I could get to a place of feeling it and allowing it to be there. 

As it was then.  

Back there in my mind.

Holding on for dear life.

Yet.

It had to go.  Its time had come.  It could no longer hold on.   I went to a yoga class this afternoon where I knew I could safely allow the raging fire to be put out.  Slowly and quietly I watched it being pulled apart.  Limb by limb.  The images of my sexual abuse flashed across my mind as I went in and out of the postures.  Huge waves of relief splashed across my heart and chest area.  It was finally moving.  I wanted to stay in each posture as long as I could and forever.   The root cause of my emotional pain was being pulled up and out.

Together.

The mind was forced to set free my heart that it had covered for decades.  It could no longer hide in the file called love.  I marvel at the bodies ability to remember and the minds job to bury it away.  

I believe now that it is finally out.  

Leaving only ashes of a fire that once consumed me. 

 

 

Original Whole

I realized yesterday that I am no longer in the place where I was first broken.  I no longer have to carry the burden of my old self around with me as a vision of the world.  The strange part of this experience is that I did not know I was filtering my life through this and it was a subconscious set of beliefs that held me there.  The author and poet Mark Nepo speaks of his experience of cancer and chemotherapy, "To be broken is no reason to see all things as broken."

I witnessed this past weekend the two extremes of this experience.  One with a friend who is in the deepest part of alcoholism and the other a friend overcoming great obstacles and charging a podium and teaching a brilliant yoga class.  

I am somewhere in between both of these worlds.  My subconscious mind had me believing I was nowhere and had done nothing and that I was "broken".  This is the maddening part of recovery and renewal and realizing which part of my psyche is making decisions and choices on my behalf.

I also came to realize that I was not the one responsible for the "breaking" and I could claim my original whole.  I no longer needed to run around attempting to pick up the broken pieces of my life.  The original whole had been there all along.  

Still shining and new and as God had created me.

The greatest struggle was within me and allowing that which is real and true to become my identity and not allow that which had been broken to become whole identity.

And in between is where I found myself.