Defining This Moment

Today is the day I teach my first yoga mock class to other teachers and students at Bikram Yoga Dallas.  I am excited and nervous, yet surprisingly calm.

 As I sat meditating this morning, I realized that this day is actually a Triumphant day for me.  And not because of how I think I will do while on the podium or if I become a yoga teacher.  Or if I can teach at all.

I call it a Triumph because of all the obstacles and perceived setbacks I've had along the way that I have overcome.  They stretch way back in my history to age 4.  The sexual abuse that took an innocent young boy and turned him into a nervous, self loathing, anxiety ridden and guilty little fucker.  The world that I was innocently playing in had become dirty.  

I have overcome that.  I now just see a kind man looking back at me with profound Silence surrounding my body.

My untreated sexual abuse led me into some very dark places.  In my mind and in Reality.  I used anything and anybody to numb the pain and to keep it at bay.  It didn't work.  I soon became a person I no longer recognized and had to conquer each demon that came up to claim me.  I think of the endless nights filled with terror and anxiety of my tormented mind that was hell bent on destroying me.  The Voice in my head became the toughest teacher I have ever encountered and very real in my experience.  

And egregious.

Its job was to destroy any part of me where there was light and I had to find ways to keep the mind from overtaking me and this body.

I practiced Bikram yoga.  I attended 5 (10) day Vipassana meditation courses.  I completed Bikram teacher training. I wrote a blog.  I went to therapy.  I started taking medications (I am still taking them for depression and anxiety) that I found to really helpful and helped me function on a daily basis. I read a ton of books. I prayed.  I chanted.  I meditated.  I cried.  I kept moving no matter what came up or challenge that was in front of me.

This went on for many years.  A moment of space and light.  Followed by a torrential flood of pain and emotional chaos.  It would not let up.  

Somewhere in my journey I remember letting go.  I allowed whatever was in front of me to be there as it was.  And is.  I no longer fought Reality.  The Voice had become quieter.  Its long rants started to subside.  I could go for long moments without its degrading insults.  

I could feel the momentum shift.

Towards the Light and out of the darkness.

I also had this guiding force (I call it The Holy Spirit from A Course in Miracles) or Divine Grace that kept me moving and alive.  A book or person would show up at the right time.  A kind yoga teacher would say something beautiful or notice improvements in my postures.  A kind sister who listened to my insane mind for hours upon hours, and gently leading me back into the sunlight.

There are so many people, practices, and moments to thank.

And the Voice is no longer there, in control, or even real.

I have overcome that.

So today I celebrate this Life.  

This path.

This Journey.

This Practice.

My intention in teaching this yoga is to give back to students what was given to me through Grace and hard work.  It owes me nothing and I hope I can reach others students like me and are facing similar issues.

I am proof that we shall overcome.

 

Comments

[Beth]

You give more than you know, just by being you!

I can't wait to one day take a class that you TEACH!

[Joan]

Oh, Carl, I wish I was there physically to hug you and feel your beautiful energy today. You are flying free today and every day you walk into the light. I'm so grateful you came into my life...my Vipassana would not have graced my world....timing, timing and angels who come into my life! You are an angel of light and love! Love you always, Joanie