Awake My Soul

One of the hidden benefits of dating another being is that they show you all the unhealed and hidden places that lie within waiting to be exposed to the light.   Its safe place silently tucked away from your awareness and only a sudden prick of its tissue will cause a minor earthquake or a tsunami capable of tearing down the walls of your invisible shield or visible mask.

I am reading a book by Harville Hendricks called, "Getting The Love You Want".  In it he digs into this a bit deeper:

"You realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose--the healing of the childhood wounds.  Instead of focusing entirely on surface needs and desires, you learn to recognize the unresolved childhood issues that underlie them.  When you look at relationships with this X-ray vision, your daily interactions take on more meaning.  Puzzling aspects of your relationship begin to make sense to you, and you have a greater sense of control."

What seems perfectly obvious is that when this innocent prick of heat infiltrates your inner being, the other person is the perfect culprit.  If he would just stop using his tongue to formulate words our lives and dinner would be simply beautiful.

Except.

It's not his words that are the problem.  It's the reaction from within that turns up the heat.  A slow burn.  A sudden burst of sunshine on bloodshot eyes.  A shout of snow on warm skin.

A holy war.

In my case, it was a casual question of my mother and her seemingly innocent parenting skills that are often defended, and excused away by every well intentioned person I have ever met.

It surprised me that a small burning ember still was smoldering underneath.  This age old story of me and her.  So sickening to my family of origin and surprising to the people who have just met me.  

And I carrying the flag of victimhood like a true martyr.

What I needed was clarity and space. 

And the courage to face it once and for all.

Damn it.

So, with the encouragement of my boyfriend, we enlisted the help of a trained therapist I had worked extensively with in the past.   He utilizes EMDR to look at the hidden beliefs about myself that arise from traumatic moments in my past to resolve the anxiety and fear and to look at it again from an adult perspective.  

What I discovered with this therapy is that my "mother" had never been an adult.  She was incapable of protecting me from the people around me.  The expectation and insistence of her of being a "mother" was causing me a lot of suffering.  I now see her as a sick and young molested girl.  

Untreated psychologically, and all of her "sins" forgiven by a misguided religion. Free of the responsibility of facing any of her mothering shortfalls and associations with her pedophile husband.

Fair?

No.

She saw me as a bearer of "sin" and the truth of her past life as "filth" and now she has been given the title of "white as snow" with the blessings of her religion.

I once accepted this absurd notion of her and myself.

I am no longer responsible for her lack of mothering skills.

I brought to her only the truth and the Light.

She hid it beneath me.

I gave it back to her this weekend.

And that set me free.

Awake my Soul.

 

Comments

[Lori June]

through your words, I feel the weight of your torment leaving...and I am so happy you have found that place...

Happy Birthday and good for you!
hugs
love
peace

[Joan Miron]

Beautiful Carl! This work has helped you turn another corner, releasing you from more of the hidden agenda of the past. Now you are free to understand yourself at a new level and others. Pain is pain, you have yours and she has hers. Every time you have shared your pain with me, I gain a deeper realization of my own past and it gives me courage and freedom to choose to expose it. When I expose it and ask for understanding and clarity, it doesn't mean I always get it or accept it immediately. I guess that is what our journey really means...going around corners, sometimes hiding in the caves of blame or fears and then finding a way out again because we know there is a safer and loving place beyond. However, we do have to go through it all each segment of our life. You are on my list of gratitude today and every day. You are living in the present and not beyond each time you relinquish the fear, judgment and anxiety the future wants you to dwell in. I am beginning to enjoy the present as never before. Each day is a new chance for me to let go and let God. Joanie