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July 2016

Shame on Love

I sometimes believe from time to time that I am healed.  I'm not sure if and when I will be healed but it feels like it always right about now or I just haven't recognized it just yet.  It's not really out of arrogance, but an erroneous assumption I make.

My therapist and our partners show us otherwise. 

Recently my therapist pointed out to us in couples therapy, that the dysfunctional family that I grew up with was influencing my current behavior.  I felt the sudden rush of shame and immediately I began to doubt that I had anything to offer another human being.  

I sat there stunned in silence and anxiety.

I was stunned that these old, uninvited ghosts were arriving to stake claim yet again on my sense of Being.  A repeated record that had been indelibly scratched on my psyche.  A fatal flaw of sorts.  

How can this still be there?

When will I ever be free to express and receive love open and joyously?

My therapist and I completed an EMDR session on this and I was surprised to find that I had a hidden belief that I am not worthy of love and a adult relationship.  It seemed to match the shame I felt.

We dug deeper and I was asked to close my eyes and find a memory of when this felt like this in the past.  My mind immediately drifted back into our old house and into the sauna with my Uncle.  This twisted scene that I thought I had dealt with and processed.


There was more to be unraveled and the hidden belief sat there like I did as a boy.  What I had discovered was correct.  The belief stood in tact.  I was unworthy of love an adult relationship in my mind.  We worked it loose and I then I went looking for proof in my current life.  

My behaviors of receiving and giving love was directly influenced by this belief.  I felt a sudden sense of relief as my body and chakra's relaxed. I finally had an answer why I could not just relax into a relationship.

I was holding myself and my inner child to a belief that was no longer true.

What I've come to realize and feel is that life brings to us these moments to set us free.  I used to see them as an act of war and the other person the enemy.  That war is over.

Now I will focus on the present moment and bring my new understanding to my partner and feel the love wash over me.  

I am worth it.