Shame on Love

I sometimes believe from time to time that I am healed.  I'm not sure if and when I will be healed but it feels like it always right about now or I just haven't recognized it just yet.  It's not really out of arrogance, but an erroneous assumption I make.

My therapist and our partners show us otherwise. 

Recently my therapist pointed out to us in couples therapy, that the dysfunctional family that I grew up with was influencing my current behavior.  I felt the sudden rush of shame and immediately I began to doubt that I had anything to offer another human being.  

I sat there stunned in silence and anxiety.

I was stunned that these old, uninvited ghosts were arriving to stake claim yet again on my sense of Being.  A repeated record that had been indelibly scratched on my psyche.  A fatal flaw of sorts.  

How can this still be there?

When will I ever be free to express and receive love open and joyously?

My therapist and I completed an EMDR session on this and I was surprised to find that I had a hidden belief that I am not worthy of love and a adult relationship.  It seemed to match the shame I felt.

We dug deeper and I was asked to close my eyes and find a memory of when this felt like this in the past.  My mind immediately drifted back into our old house and into the sauna with my Uncle.  This twisted scene that I thought I had dealt with and processed.

But.

There was more to be unraveled and the hidden belief sat there like I did as a boy.  What I had discovered was correct.  The belief stood in tact.  I was unworthy of love an adult relationship in my mind.  We worked it loose and I then I went looking for proof in my current life.  

My behaviors of receiving and giving love was directly influenced by this belief.  I felt a sudden sense of relief as my body and chakra's relaxed. I finally had an answer why I could not just relax into a relationship.

I was holding myself and my inner child to a belief that was no longer true.

What I've come to realize and feel is that life brings to us these moments to set us free.  I used to see them as an act of war and the other person the enemy.  That war is over.

Now I will focus on the present moment and bring my new understanding to my partner and feel the love wash over me.  

I am worth it.  

Damit.

  

Comments

[Leah]

Gopi is a lucky man, in the right place at the right time. He gets the honor of receiving your gifts-even moreso after this big step you've taken. It's one thing to realize, acknowledge and understand it, but now you're going forward with it. I'm really admiring your courage today. That it's happening now with eyes wide open. Not just the courage to survive. Not the courage of the past where life was happening and you were just sliding along. Grasping at things that may or may not help you get to the next day but nevertheless- trying your best with the tools you had.
Best part? Your heart is open now too. Receiving honest love. That makes my heart smile.

[Goal Prashad]

When its get hard sometimes, Love is the only thing makes us feels alive.

Where our eyes never closing,
Hearts are never broken,
time is forever frozen,

You would never be alone,
Wait for me come home. I would never let you go....