Messy Guru

Take This Broken Wing

This is my first experience of witnessing any human being including my mother transition from this life to the next.  

There were moments during the night that every impending breath appeared to be her last.  Her body would tremble and shake as she would gather the strength for the next breath.  

It was agonizing to witness. 

I was horrified and frightened and transfixed.  

Witnessing it appeared to be the least comforting thing to do as a son.

I somehow decided that I wanted to move closer, so I knelt down near her and began to slowly caress her head and hold her hand.  It was something that I had not intended to do.  It seemed out of my experience in the realms of physical intimacy.  I immediately felt like  my entire spiritual journey was made for this decisive moment and something bigger than myself appeared to move me there.

This one act of movement from a perceived helpless witness to an active participant of intimacy immediately began to transform my experience.

I was no longer horrified and frightened.

Or bewildered by this entire process of transition.

I gave her what I had imagined in that moment I would want and I put my best intentions and emotions into a moving physical tribute.  I could feel myself no longer doubt that I am a loving son.  A human being.   One who could take his emotions and make them move into reality and touch another human being.

Physically.

Spiritually.

One.

I began to sense that my own words had less meaning and that it was a loving caresses that seemed to be my love language.  All the awkward moments of what I imagined this process to be melted into the experience of Love itself.

I put all the love and prayers into the energy of my moving hands.

I gave to her what I needed most in that most intimate moment of Life and she seemed to relax and stop trembling.  It felt complete and whole and my mind fell into this beautiful space of awareness with no other thoughts than the connection with her.  

 My broken wing had been transformed into a instrument of love and gratitude towards another human being.

My dear Mother.

I came here with the intention of "being there" for my mother and siblings, and instead it transformed me into a loving human being who no longer doubted that I can express love and be loved in return.

Hey, Soul Sister

I am in contact with 5 of my sisters.

They are a joyous group of people who seem to found the soul connection to each other and God itself.

A healing circle.

A sacred circle.

A joyous circle of sisterhood.

I am witnessing it again over the past few days as we join together to participate with my mother in the dying cycle of life.  Us brothers are in awe of their connection to each other, towards us, and with our mother.  

They seem to be joined by an invisible thread of a higher understanding in the silent rules of the Holy Spirit, and with a tangible sacred connection to the visible world that leaves me awestruck.

They have been meeting together every year in a chosen place to join together, in laughter, tears, and with the joyous intention of hope and renewal with each other and life itself.

You can probably safely argue the merits  and purpose of this group of  women.  I know I did.  It seemed unlikely they could help heal each other, and others through a biological connection with each other.  

Unless.

You are there to personally witness the miracle of it all.  In action, In Reality and in real time.  I remember one of the more intuitive sisters explaining  to me that they have joined together as a circle of women and mothers, to help facilitate my mothers own healing from the absence of  a biological parent.

One sister appears to carry the missing link to Kindness.

One sister appears to carry the missing link to Compassion.

One sister appears to carry the missing link of the intimacy of Touch.

One sister appears to carry the missing link to the Soul.

One sister appears to carry the missing link to the Holy Spirit.

Their links of love are joined together to comprise the soul of an absent mother.  

And I am just grateful to be alive and to witness a small part of their wondrous world of miracles and of love itself.

 

Tender Mercies

I am witnessing the final days of my mothers life.

A full circle moment for me and a place I never thought I'd be part of considering the history of her and I,  and our family of origin.  I'm here with most of my siblings and we are all part of the dying process with her as well.  

We are taking our cues from her and its an organic process that's both astounding and filled with moments of clarity and unscripted bursts of acceptance of what is.

It can be best described as a "living" wake of a loved one that is actively participating in ones own celebration of life.

I can only hope my end days are this full of awareness and clarity.

We are all taking the time to be with her one on one and choosing the time to ponder and reflect on whatever communication we would like to discuss, ponder and share.

For me, its bits and pieces of my time of my recent trip to India, and funny moments we shared while traveling the world together.  A surprising shout of laughter, a bold exclamation of acceptance about her impending demise, and my wide open heart of not wanting to miss any part of it.

There is a graceful state of peace that comes with witnessing a person who is ready to leave this world if you're open to receive it.

There is no bitterness or the empty nostalgia of what might have been.  I've long since processed my thoughts and feeling with her about the past and my experience of it.

I am not suggestion now that the circumstances, events and disappointments of our past has never happened or have been "forgiven and forgotten."  

What I can honesty say now is that there is complete acceptance of what is, and what has been.  Acceptance does not mean I need to isolate and defend.  Or pontificate what Reality is for every one of my family members.  

It's a hard won acceptance of the past that cannot be different than it was. 

So, this is where our family is at this moment.

It's beautiful and kind.  There is no animosity between us or justified resentments.

And that's a beautiful thing.